"The principle of concentration is the medium by which procrastination is overcome. The same principle is the foundation upon which both self-confidence and self-esteem are predictated". - Napoleon Hill
Where is your attention? If you feel that you aren't accomplishing everything you want (and maybe need) to in your life, the answer is in your focus.
We live in a society where everyone and everything is competing for our attention. What do you think a "reality show" is? Its nothing more than a network trying to get your attention. What do you think the NFL is? It is a group of wealthy people who are paying men exorbitant amounts of money to . . . get your attention. If you are struggling in your marriage, I can GUARANTEE YOU, some of the problem is that your spouse wants more of your attention. If your not succesful at your occupation, the likely culprit. . . your attention. The clothes people wear, the things they say and do. . . all of it, can on some level, be brought back to where they are paying attention and who they want paying attention to them. Why do you exercise? Why does she wear that blouse? Why does he have that car? Why does she read that book? Its everywhere.
In a world where everyone and everything is vying for it, your attention is probably the number one most valuable thing you own in the world! What would a lawyer pay to have a juror's undivided attention? What would a company pay for your attention to their product? (Nike spends millions just on superbowl commercials and they have a commercial for their products running somewhere in the world 24 hours a day, 365 days a year). So, the (multi)million dollar question is . . . do you treat your attention as being that valuable? Are you even aware that you can decide where you place your valuable attention?
By the way, once someone has your attention, they can be incredibly crafty at keeping it. . . Ask the producers of American Idol. Take a good look at your day and see if there was anything in it that got your attention without you even realizing it. Surf the net at work? Do you have a specific schedule of when you will allow that distraction? Or. . . do you surf the net jumping from interesting thing to interesting thing until something else (like that client calling) recaptures your attention? I'm a realist. I understand why you surf the net at work. I can even make a very strong argument for PURPOSELY and INTENTIONALLY surfing the net for a pre-determined amount of time to shift your focus away from work. A great time to do this is immediately after finishing a task you committed to completing and right before undertaking the next task. But, if your attention is being left to advertisers, columnists or bloggers until someone or something else (besides your own conscious choice) breaks the spell, then you are not focused.
Want a better marriage. Focus on it. Want a better relationship with your kids? Go focus on them. Want to do better at work? Lose weight? Have a great sex life? Get in the best physical shape of your life? Get wealthy? . . . focus, intentionally your attention on that area of your life.
I know it sounds simple. It is. All it it really requires is the awareness that you choose where to put your attention. People don't mis-aim their attention. They don't even realize they can aim it.
Do this for one week (and beyond if it serves you):
1)Whatever area of your life you would like to improve this week, commit to placing your focus on it at specific times every single day. Focus on your wife, for example, every day this week at 8am, 10am, 12pm, 2pm, 4pm, 6pm, 8pm, and 10pm. I am not saying you need to do something for her at all of these times. I am not even saying she needs to know your focusing on her. Just focus on her at these times for no less than 5 minutes. One week. Watch what happens that week.
2) Go on an information diet. Unplug from anyone who can financially profit off of your attention for one week. Reset and decide anew who deserves your attention. Turn the TV off for a week. When you turn it back on, make conscious decisions about what if anything on TV should have your attention. Ask yourself what else you could do with your attention during that "reality show" you just have to watch. Same with internet. Newspapers. Fictional books. Its just a week. Once every three months, do it again. Just make the decision where to put your attention. I am not telling you where to put it, but I am suggesting that you should absolutely be placing your attention on purpose.
"Any man who can safely drive while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves. - Albert Einstein
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Sunday, October 3, 2010
The All or Nothing Myth
"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step" - Chinese Proverb
Ever get paralyzed by the changes you need to make in your life? Its a terribly debilitating feeling. It flows from a mindset that if you don't make the biggest change required in your life you might as well make no changes at all. Of course, its faulty and illogical thinking that if followed will only rob your life of growth you could accomplish relatively easily. Here are some examples of ways this kind of thinking can manifest itself as well as what healthier thinking would suggest is the proper way to handle the situation:
Ex #1:
Wrong: You need to lose 50 lbs but just don't feel mentally ready to begin the five month "diet" you think it will require. So you do nothing to improve your health or move toward fat loss. In fact, you eat worse, because you do believe that you'll be able to "begin" soon and since you are, you may as well have a few more days of eating garbage!
Right: Ask yourself if there is ANYTHING you can EASILY do toward your overall goal. You decide that while you aren't ready to "start your diet", you can get rid of your afternoon soda and replace it with water. You cut 125 calories of pure sugar from your diet which amounts all by itself to a loss of 1 pound a month. (Dont look now, but if you do nothing else you will be quarter of the way to your overall goal of losing 50 pounds in one year. And remember, you weren't willing to "start yet").
Ex #2
Wrong: You and your spouse aren't communicating well on a subject and it is causing alot of friction in the house. You become more withdrawn on the issues and things where you both DO see eye to eye. You start pulling back from the things that ARE strong in your relationship because you are so focused on the disagreement. Your spouse reciprocates by responding the exact same way. Physical intimacy is pulled. Laughter is pulled. Hobbies you shared are pulled. Before long, you and your spouse are fully disengaged from each other. When it becomes unbearable you will still have to address the disagreement that started the whole thing but you will also have to address the withdrawl of affection and the hurt each of you caused by withdrawing from each other.
Right: You tell your spouse that you recognize that there is an issue in the relationship and that both of you are emotional about it. Over the ensuing days instead of withdrawing you sink extra effort into the strengths of your relationship. You aren't dismissing the diagreement or pretendig it doesn't exist. If you and your spouse usually go for a walk in the morning, invite him or her to still go despite the disagreement. You make an increased effort to give a hug, a kiss, or any other small indication of value and intimacy. You continue to care for your spouse and fulfill your role in the relationship. Eventually, the disagreement will still be there to discuss if it really was a genuine issue to begin with. You may find that by focusing on the strengths in the relationship the "issue" ultimately is revealed to be nothing more than a bad mood and the mere passage of time and intimacy have resolved the issue completely.
Ex #3
Wrong: You hate your career and long to be doing something else. As a result you do the absolute minimum that you can get away with at work but because you still have to be at the job at all you do nothing when you get home from work to get you into a new career. You claim you don't have time and fall into the poor thinking where you believe that you are trapped in your job. You start to tell yourself that you can't get away from your career because you have to go to work. You spend the rest of your life in a dead career for you, and bypass your true calling.
Right: You find ways to enjoy your current job more. You keep an organized desk and try not to get yourself overwhelmed. The job seems more tolerable when you are doing it well. Doing poor work because you hate it will only make you hate it more. At the same time, if it really isn't the career for you, you must take steps to get out. Although you are tired from work, when you get home you spend just 1/2 hour on your new career. You could of course do this first thing in the morning or any other time of day. The point is , while you won't be moving as fast as you would like toward your new career, you will be moving toward it. The alternative is to be completely stopped.
You will see the principle of "all or nothing" manifesting itself in all areas of one's life if that is a mindset they generally subscribe to. You must do an assessment in your life of whether or not you have adopted the "all or nothing" mindset and if so you must excise it completely from your thoughts and replace it with a "small step" philosophy. Whether it is health, career, relationships, passions, or finances, get your hands dirty with action. Small, smart action applied consistently. Then another small step building on the first. If you do this, you may find that you actually accomplish big goals before you ever officially "start".
The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret to getting started is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into smal manageable tasks and then starting on the first one. - Mark Twain
Ever get paralyzed by the changes you need to make in your life? Its a terribly debilitating feeling. It flows from a mindset that if you don't make the biggest change required in your life you might as well make no changes at all. Of course, its faulty and illogical thinking that if followed will only rob your life of growth you could accomplish relatively easily. Here are some examples of ways this kind of thinking can manifest itself as well as what healthier thinking would suggest is the proper way to handle the situation:
Ex #1:
Wrong: You need to lose 50 lbs but just don't feel mentally ready to begin the five month "diet" you think it will require. So you do nothing to improve your health or move toward fat loss. In fact, you eat worse, because you do believe that you'll be able to "begin" soon and since you are, you may as well have a few more days of eating garbage!
Right: Ask yourself if there is ANYTHING you can EASILY do toward your overall goal. You decide that while you aren't ready to "start your diet", you can get rid of your afternoon soda and replace it with water. You cut 125 calories of pure sugar from your diet which amounts all by itself to a loss of 1 pound a month. (Dont look now, but if you do nothing else you will be quarter of the way to your overall goal of losing 50 pounds in one year. And remember, you weren't willing to "start yet").
Ex #2
Wrong: You and your spouse aren't communicating well on a subject and it is causing alot of friction in the house. You become more withdrawn on the issues and things where you both DO see eye to eye. You start pulling back from the things that ARE strong in your relationship because you are so focused on the disagreement. Your spouse reciprocates by responding the exact same way. Physical intimacy is pulled. Laughter is pulled. Hobbies you shared are pulled. Before long, you and your spouse are fully disengaged from each other. When it becomes unbearable you will still have to address the disagreement that started the whole thing but you will also have to address the withdrawl of affection and the hurt each of you caused by withdrawing from each other.
Right: You tell your spouse that you recognize that there is an issue in the relationship and that both of you are emotional about it. Over the ensuing days instead of withdrawing you sink extra effort into the strengths of your relationship. You aren't dismissing the diagreement or pretendig it doesn't exist. If you and your spouse usually go for a walk in the morning, invite him or her to still go despite the disagreement. You make an increased effort to give a hug, a kiss, or any other small indication of value and intimacy. You continue to care for your spouse and fulfill your role in the relationship. Eventually, the disagreement will still be there to discuss if it really was a genuine issue to begin with. You may find that by focusing on the strengths in the relationship the "issue" ultimately is revealed to be nothing more than a bad mood and the mere passage of time and intimacy have resolved the issue completely.
Ex #3
Wrong: You hate your career and long to be doing something else. As a result you do the absolute minimum that you can get away with at work but because you still have to be at the job at all you do nothing when you get home from work to get you into a new career. You claim you don't have time and fall into the poor thinking where you believe that you are trapped in your job. You start to tell yourself that you can't get away from your career because you have to go to work. You spend the rest of your life in a dead career for you, and bypass your true calling.
Right: You find ways to enjoy your current job more. You keep an organized desk and try not to get yourself overwhelmed. The job seems more tolerable when you are doing it well. Doing poor work because you hate it will only make you hate it more. At the same time, if it really isn't the career for you, you must take steps to get out. Although you are tired from work, when you get home you spend just 1/2 hour on your new career. You could of course do this first thing in the morning or any other time of day. The point is , while you won't be moving as fast as you would like toward your new career, you will be moving toward it. The alternative is to be completely stopped.
You will see the principle of "all or nothing" manifesting itself in all areas of one's life if that is a mindset they generally subscribe to. You must do an assessment in your life of whether or not you have adopted the "all or nothing" mindset and if so you must excise it completely from your thoughts and replace it with a "small step" philosophy. Whether it is health, career, relationships, passions, or finances, get your hands dirty with action. Small, smart action applied consistently. Then another small step building on the first. If you do this, you may find that you actually accomplish big goals before you ever officially "start".
The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret to getting started is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into smal manageable tasks and then starting on the first one. - Mark Twain
Saturday, September 18, 2010
"DIET" IS NOT A DIRTY WORD
"More die in the United States of too much food than of too little". - John Kenneth Galbraith
What is the first thing that comes to your mind when you think of the word "diet"? If your anything like me you think of "restriction". But the word doesn't actually mean that. Its primary definition is:
"Food and drink regularly provided or consumed. "-Websters Dictionary
I teach my clients that healthy people aren't fat. Healthy people aren't sick. So instead of trying to "diet" to stop being fat, or "diet" to "feel better" why not just eat healthy to be healthy?
If you are struggling with your weight, I'd like you to take a new approach mentally. I'd like you to simply eat healthy. Don't worry about how much you eat. Every diet by day three has you feeling deprived and lethargic because you have restricted your calories. I think its a poor approach.
I've been on my share of "diets" and every single one of them ends up back where I started or worse! Its just a matter of time. White knuckling against your body's desire to nourish itself is simply not a rational plan for optimal health.
Again, I want to say "healthy people aren't fat". By definition, "healthy people" are exactly the weight they are supposed to be.
Before you EVER restrict calories to "lose weight", I believe you should be eating nothing but healthy food. Think about that for a moment and ask yourself if that makes sense. Why would you go from eating an unhealthy diet that is high in calories to a low calorie diet? Why wouldn't you go from a high calorie unhealthy diet to a high calorie HEALTHY diet first? Then we can talk about cutting calories!
I'll make a deal with you. If you continue to gain weight or even if you don't LOSE weight eating nothing but healthy, nourishing, vitalizing foods THEN I will give you permission to start cutting calories. Try eating nothing but healthy food for 6.5 days a week for 6 weeks. No restriction. No starving yourself. If you want to eat, go ahead! But WHAT you eat is what I would focus on. I would also give yourself permission to eat whatever you want to one half day a week. Sure the first week you will probably undo some of your weight loss. But I truly believe that after a few weeks of eating properly in any quantity you want your body will adjust, your hunger will get firmly under control and you won't even be ABLE to over-eat. I know. Too good to be true right? Try it. Im not selling you anything. I have nothing to gain from giving you this advice but the satisfaction that I might help someone who has spent their entire life fighting against their body to finally start working with it.
Focus on eating great food. Lots of it! As much of it as you want for six weeks. Go nuts (literally). Eat as much of the following as you want for 6 weeks and then (and only then) can you really consider cutting back on calories. IF you decide you need to reduce your calories after the six week healthy eating plan, you will see it will be a far different proposition than cutting 4000 pizza calories a day from your diet. It isn't that easy to gain weight on the right foods. The foods I am going to suggest you eat all work WITH your body. They control your blood sugar levels and hormones. They avoid the wild swings and fluctuations characterized by a high glycemic, high fat diet. Watch. Eat minimally six meals which consist of at least two of the following food groups at every meal:
Dairy- cheese, yogurt, milk etc.
Beans and legumes
vegetables
berries - strawberries, blueberries, rasberries, blackberries
Lean meats -turkey, fish, chicken, lean beef, lean pork
Nuts - almonds, walnuts, pecans, cashews. NATURAL peanut butter.
Whole grains - whole grain cereals, breads, Oatmeal, and whole wheat pasta
Olive oil
eggs
Add a multivitamin. Drink 8 glasses of water a day. No restrictions. Go eat. Just eat healthy food that works with your body.
If you find that removing all of your favorite "bad for you" foods is simply too restrictive, I would encourage you to eat more from the list above to "displace" the bad food for a few weeks. So if you would normally eat two bacon egg and cheese biscuits for breakfast - instead eat one and a bowl of oatmeal for a week or two.
If you would eat a bigmac and large fries for lunch, lose the fries and eat a salad with your big mac for a week or two.
I want you to focus on adding healthy, nourishing food that works with your body not removing food from your diet. Slowly displace the unhealthy with the healthy. When your diet is 100% healthy, just stay there in any quantity for a few weeks and watch what happens. If at that point you feel you still need to restrict calories, go ahead. You'll find it much easier at this point.
Good luck! Go be healthy!
What is the first thing that comes to your mind when you think of the word "diet"? If your anything like me you think of "restriction". But the word doesn't actually mean that. Its primary definition is:
"Food and drink regularly provided or consumed. "-Websters Dictionary
I teach my clients that healthy people aren't fat. Healthy people aren't sick. So instead of trying to "diet" to stop being fat, or "diet" to "feel better" why not just eat healthy to be healthy?
If you are struggling with your weight, I'd like you to take a new approach mentally. I'd like you to simply eat healthy. Don't worry about how much you eat. Every diet by day three has you feeling deprived and lethargic because you have restricted your calories. I think its a poor approach.
I've been on my share of "diets" and every single one of them ends up back where I started or worse! Its just a matter of time. White knuckling against your body's desire to nourish itself is simply not a rational plan for optimal health.
Again, I want to say "healthy people aren't fat". By definition, "healthy people" are exactly the weight they are supposed to be.
Before you EVER restrict calories to "lose weight", I believe you should be eating nothing but healthy food. Think about that for a moment and ask yourself if that makes sense. Why would you go from eating an unhealthy diet that is high in calories to a low calorie diet? Why wouldn't you go from a high calorie unhealthy diet to a high calorie HEALTHY diet first? Then we can talk about cutting calories!
I'll make a deal with you. If you continue to gain weight or even if you don't LOSE weight eating nothing but healthy, nourishing, vitalizing foods THEN I will give you permission to start cutting calories. Try eating nothing but healthy food for 6.5 days a week for 6 weeks. No restriction. No starving yourself. If you want to eat, go ahead! But WHAT you eat is what I would focus on. I would also give yourself permission to eat whatever you want to one half day a week. Sure the first week you will probably undo some of your weight loss. But I truly believe that after a few weeks of eating properly in any quantity you want your body will adjust, your hunger will get firmly under control and you won't even be ABLE to over-eat. I know. Too good to be true right? Try it. Im not selling you anything. I have nothing to gain from giving you this advice but the satisfaction that I might help someone who has spent their entire life fighting against their body to finally start working with it.
Focus on eating great food. Lots of it! As much of it as you want for six weeks. Go nuts (literally). Eat as much of the following as you want for 6 weeks and then (and only then) can you really consider cutting back on calories. IF you decide you need to reduce your calories after the six week healthy eating plan, you will see it will be a far different proposition than cutting 4000 pizza calories a day from your diet. It isn't that easy to gain weight on the right foods. The foods I am going to suggest you eat all work WITH your body. They control your blood sugar levels and hormones. They avoid the wild swings and fluctuations characterized by a high glycemic, high fat diet. Watch. Eat minimally six meals which consist of at least two of the following food groups at every meal:
Dairy- cheese, yogurt, milk etc.
Beans and legumes
vegetables
berries - strawberries, blueberries, rasberries, blackberries
Lean meats -turkey, fish, chicken, lean beef, lean pork
Nuts - almonds, walnuts, pecans, cashews. NATURAL peanut butter.
Whole grains - whole grain cereals, breads, Oatmeal, and whole wheat pasta
Olive oil
eggs
Add a multivitamin. Drink 8 glasses of water a day. No restrictions. Go eat. Just eat healthy food that works with your body.
If you find that removing all of your favorite "bad for you" foods is simply too restrictive, I would encourage you to eat more from the list above to "displace" the bad food for a few weeks. So if you would normally eat two bacon egg and cheese biscuits for breakfast - instead eat one and a bowl of oatmeal for a week or two.
If you would eat a bigmac and large fries for lunch, lose the fries and eat a salad with your big mac for a week or two.
I want you to focus on adding healthy, nourishing food that works with your body not removing food from your diet. Slowly displace the unhealthy with the healthy. When your diet is 100% healthy, just stay there in any quantity for a few weeks and watch what happens. If at that point you feel you still need to restrict calories, go ahead. You'll find it much easier at this point.
Good luck! Go be healthy!
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Sharpen Your Axe
If the axe is dull and the edge unsharpened more strength is needed but wisdom will bring you success. - Ecclesiastes 10:10
If you've been working on being honest with yourself you probably have discovered that you are settling in many areas of your life. If you did the "honesty inventory" I described in a prior post then you have probably identified areas of your life that you need to change. First of all congratulations! As I discussed before just becoming aware of the lies you have been telling yourself has moved you into a higher level of living. But you can't stop there. Now you have to truly commit to not only remaining in truth but changing that truth to what you want it to be!
If you've been working on being honest with yourself you probably have discovered that you are settling in many areas of your life. If you did the "honesty inventory" I described in a prior post then you have probably identified areas of your life that you need to change. First of all congratulations! As I discussed before just becoming aware of the lies you have been telling yourself has moved you into a higher level of living. But you can't stop there. Now you have to truly commit to not only remaining in truth but changing that truth to what you want it to be!
One of the rules along the way that will save you a lot of time comes from a pretty famous story no doubt originating from bible quote at the beginning of this post. The story goes like this:
A lumberjack who worked for a demanding boss for over a year was suddenly fired for low productivity. He was replaced with a lumberjack who was promoted by the same boss in less than two weeks for high productivity. When the first lumberjack heard this, he went to the forest and asked the lumberjack who took his job what his secret was. The second lumber jack said " every twenty minutes I take two minutes to sharpen my axe".
The point is simple (again, most profoundly useful life strategies are). Whether you are trying to lose 30 pounds, rekindle your marriage or get that promotion at work you need to work smarter not harder. Here are some suggestions for "sharpening your axe":
1) Get 8 hours of restful sleep. Sleep deprivation in the name of productivity is an oxymoron. Sleep deprivation leads to poor focus, low energy, hormonal changes, mood problems, anxiety and furstration. A restful night sleep will undoubtedly help you perform whatever your task is the following day.
2) Exercise daily - It improves mood, strengthens you body, fights fat and boosts your immune system. Its simple. You are either vibrantly healthy while trying to perform you tasks or you aren't.
3) Eat properly - Give your body what it needs. Whether you are trying to get amorous with your spouse or filling out the applicatino for the business loan, eating properly will keep your blood sugars level and help you maintain focus. Your body will work with you instead of against you by rewarding you with energy and well-being while you accomplish your task.
4) Don't multi-task. Perform one thing at a time, always. You're lying to yourself if you really believe you can do two or more things at once that both require your attention. Obviously, you can maximize efficiency by using "net time" which is simply those times when you CAN actually do two things at once but we as humans in the 21st century think we can way more simultaneously than we really can. We can listen to an audiobook on self-improvement while we jog or drive. But we can't really email and drive or study for an important test while playing poker online. We can't really review those reports and surf the web. You know where multi-tasking is negatively effecting you. Get rid of it. Try it for a week and watch what happens when you focus on one thing at a time.
5) Create a list of goals for the day and review them in the morning, again at noon and then again in the late afternoon early/evening. Live purposefully. Decide what is most important to get done today and tackle that task first. If you do this every day you willl undoubtedly become more productive. Make sure you are making realistic, objectively verifiable goals that in themselves are small steps to a larger goal for your life.
6) Delegate. Don't fool yourself into believing that you're going to "go it alone". Succesful people have support systems. They have people who believe in their life purpose and work with them to accomplish it. Outsource those things that don't honor your time or that someone else is simply better equipped to do. I love to coach and write about personal growth but I am not a computer programmer. I let the good folks at blogpot do the programming that made this blog possible without me having to learn html. Likewise I currently have a web designer designing my website. Could I learn how to do this on my own? Sure I could but its simply not worth my time to learn. I am a life coach, not a web designer.
7) Clear your head. Spend at least 10 minutes a day minimum in silence. Complete silence. We have so much information bombarding us every day. Our brains are always being programmed whether intentionally or unintentionally by the environment around us. TV, Radio, people on the subway, newspapers, websites, co-workers, texts, tweets. . . well you get the idea. Try taking just 10 minutes a day to sit in silence. You'll immediately see a boost in overall productivity.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE
"You never find yourself until you face the truth". -Pearl Bailey
"I really don't think its that big of a deal"
"It's only a few pounds"
" We are just in a rough patch right now".
"I'll quit soon".
We as a world have drifted so far from truth that we have forgotten it is a major foundational virtue of a functioning society, family, workplace and individual. We have gotten to a point where deception, fraud, and outright lies to ourselves and others is normal. Ask yourself right now what you are hiding. Ask yourself right now what you don't want to admit about yourself. Imagine if you co-workers knew everything about you. Or your parents. Or your kids. Do you get a sick feeling when you think about this subject? Stop. Feel that feeling and ask yourself why you feel it. To make real changes in your life you MUST get honest with yourself and others. If you have not practiced honestly and authenticity in a while it can be very uncomfortable.
If you have some nagging issues in your relationship but don't discuss them for fear of "rocking the boat", you are a prime candidate for an "honestly inventory". If you have a few things you hope your boss never finds out about because if she did you might lose your job, you may very well need to evaluate your honesty. If you don't like to budget because you don't want to "face" the reality of your finances - you need to assess your authenticity.
Ultimately "truth" and "honesty" is nothing more than living in reality. When you are being dishonest to yourself or someone else you are actually living in a fantasy land that you created. You become incongruent with reality. When you live incongruent with reality to any real degree you make uneducated choices. When you make uneducated choices, you increase the probability that those choices will end up with a poor outcome.
If you lived your life under the fantasy that people can't get injured, you might do all sorts of things that aren't good for you. If you still believed in a Santa Clause you might think you didn't have to save up any money for the kids' Christmas! At their very core, isn't profound mental disability nothing more than profound dishonesty?? A severely psychotic person literally sees and hears things that aren't there! Well, when you distort your real situation to make yourself "feel better" or to avoid conflict or shame or guilt, or any other negative emotion, you choose the path of fantasy world and then operate your life as if that fantasy were reality.
On a very practical level, lie to yourself about that weight gain and you will keep operating like you aren't fat and unhealthy leading to more ill-health and a lifetime of chronic medical conditions. Choose to keep saying "i'll do it later" when you know you won't just means it won't get done. Keep pretending that staying at a career you really hate makes sense to you somehow because of the money or the pestige and you will operate from that story and spend the rest of your life a slave to your occupation. Keep calling your disintegrating marriage a "rough patch" or keep making up stories about how "all marriages are like this" and divorce is not far away.
The first step to any life change is truth. Brutal, unequivocal, some-times painful, often liberating, TRUTH!
"I have to lose weight"
"This marriage is broken"
"This job is not for me"
"I am addicted"
The truths are the launching pad for change. The person who decides they will not spend 60 hours a week at a job they hate starts to think about alternatives. The one who drinks alcohol, watches tv, or does any number of escapes to pretend their career is fine and just "not think about it" is lying and destined to stay at that career until someone else forces them out.
Ever wonder why practically every diet program or exercise plan begins with you assessing your current situation or taking a"before photo"? Its so you get in touch with reality and then use reality to guague your progress. Truth is nothing more than finding reality and admitting its existence.
Identify those areas in your life where you aren't being fully truthful with yourself or others. Get out a notebook and write down the brutal truth. I know it may feel scary at first but believe me, you are closer to change just by doing this exercise than you may have ever been before. Go through the major areas of your life like career, finances, spirituality, relationships and physical health and do an "honesty inventory". Identify where and why you are distorting reality.
Remember stating the truth doesn't mean you WILL fix something right away. Alot of people don't like this exercise because they feel that identifying things they aren't ready to fix will make them feel guilty. Maybe it will. But let me be clear about what I am asking you to do. I am asking you simply to be honest. You may very well say something like:
"I am significantly overweight and unhealthy right now. I don't feel good about myself and I know that I am endangering my health living like this. But I don't have the willpower or self-discipline to lose this weight right now so I am not even going to try".
That MAY be the truth!! (I submit it probably isn't but that's for another post!). If that is your truth right now, so be it. Even THAT truth is better than "I really don't want to lose weight because I think diets are unhealthy", or "It's not that bad", "I'm not that vain". Lies. Truthfully admitting you have a problem you are unable or unwilling to solve right now is far better than lying about not having a problem at all. Try it. See what comes up. Often when you do this exercise you realize that what you have been saying to yourself is not true. You start looking at the issues that you are lying about and decide that you can change the truth to a new truth.
This is how change happens.
"The truth is like the sun. You can shut it out for a time but it ain't going away. - Elvis Presley
"I really don't think its that big of a deal"
"It's only a few pounds"
" We are just in a rough patch right now".
"I'll quit soon".
We as a world have drifted so far from truth that we have forgotten it is a major foundational virtue of a functioning society, family, workplace and individual. We have gotten to a point where deception, fraud, and outright lies to ourselves and others is normal. Ask yourself right now what you are hiding. Ask yourself right now what you don't want to admit about yourself. Imagine if you co-workers knew everything about you. Or your parents. Or your kids. Do you get a sick feeling when you think about this subject? Stop. Feel that feeling and ask yourself why you feel it. To make real changes in your life you MUST get honest with yourself and others. If you have not practiced honestly and authenticity in a while it can be very uncomfortable.
If you have some nagging issues in your relationship but don't discuss them for fear of "rocking the boat", you are a prime candidate for an "honestly inventory". If you have a few things you hope your boss never finds out about because if she did you might lose your job, you may very well need to evaluate your honesty. If you don't like to budget because you don't want to "face" the reality of your finances - you need to assess your authenticity.
Ultimately "truth" and "honesty" is nothing more than living in reality. When you are being dishonest to yourself or someone else you are actually living in a fantasy land that you created. You become incongruent with reality. When you live incongruent with reality to any real degree you make uneducated choices. When you make uneducated choices, you increase the probability that those choices will end up with a poor outcome.
If you lived your life under the fantasy that people can't get injured, you might do all sorts of things that aren't good for you. If you still believed in a Santa Clause you might think you didn't have to save up any money for the kids' Christmas! At their very core, isn't profound mental disability nothing more than profound dishonesty?? A severely psychotic person literally sees and hears things that aren't there! Well, when you distort your real situation to make yourself "feel better" or to avoid conflict or shame or guilt, or any other negative emotion, you choose the path of fantasy world and then operate your life as if that fantasy were reality.
On a very practical level, lie to yourself about that weight gain and you will keep operating like you aren't fat and unhealthy leading to more ill-health and a lifetime of chronic medical conditions. Choose to keep saying "i'll do it later" when you know you won't just means it won't get done. Keep pretending that staying at a career you really hate makes sense to you somehow because of the money or the pestige and you will operate from that story and spend the rest of your life a slave to your occupation. Keep calling your disintegrating marriage a "rough patch" or keep making up stories about how "all marriages are like this" and divorce is not far away.
The first step to any life change is truth. Brutal, unequivocal, some-times painful, often liberating, TRUTH!
"I have to lose weight"
"This marriage is broken"
"This job is not for me"
"I am addicted"
The truths are the launching pad for change. The person who decides they will not spend 60 hours a week at a job they hate starts to think about alternatives. The one who drinks alcohol, watches tv, or does any number of escapes to pretend their career is fine and just "not think about it" is lying and destined to stay at that career until someone else forces them out.
Ever wonder why practically every diet program or exercise plan begins with you assessing your current situation or taking a"before photo"? Its so you get in touch with reality and then use reality to guague your progress. Truth is nothing more than finding reality and admitting its existence.
Identify those areas in your life where you aren't being fully truthful with yourself or others. Get out a notebook and write down the brutal truth. I know it may feel scary at first but believe me, you are closer to change just by doing this exercise than you may have ever been before. Go through the major areas of your life like career, finances, spirituality, relationships and physical health and do an "honesty inventory". Identify where and why you are distorting reality.
Remember stating the truth doesn't mean you WILL fix something right away. Alot of people don't like this exercise because they feel that identifying things they aren't ready to fix will make them feel guilty. Maybe it will. But let me be clear about what I am asking you to do. I am asking you simply to be honest. You may very well say something like:
"I am significantly overweight and unhealthy right now. I don't feel good about myself and I know that I am endangering my health living like this. But I don't have the willpower or self-discipline to lose this weight right now so I am not even going to try".
That MAY be the truth!! (I submit it probably isn't but that's for another post!). If that is your truth right now, so be it. Even THAT truth is better than "I really don't want to lose weight because I think diets are unhealthy", or "It's not that bad", "I'm not that vain". Lies. Truthfully admitting you have a problem you are unable or unwilling to solve right now is far better than lying about not having a problem at all. Try it. See what comes up. Often when you do this exercise you realize that what you have been saying to yourself is not true. You start looking at the issues that you are lying about and decide that you can change the truth to a new truth.
This is how change happens.
"The truth is like the sun. You can shut it out for a time but it ain't going away. - Elvis Presley
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Time Keeps on Ticking - Part II
Ok. Having gone through the essential elements of our fulfillment equation (time, passion and obligation) we can come up with hopefully, a few agreements in principal:
1) We don't have time to waste on "someday" if we want to create a fulfilling life. We have to start immediately.
2) Passions in your life would increase the quality of your life.
3) Obligations are obligations - they have to get done.
I feel like I have to keep speaking to people's internal critic on point #3 above. So I will do so again. Please know, that I am NOT ignoring that you have alot of things you feel you have to do. Just trust the process right now and ask yourself whether you agree with the principals I am setting forth. If you find yourself saying "Yea, sure more passion in my life would be wonderful but you don't understand how much I have to do - I have no time for passion!", then you are likely most in need of this work we are doing.
So here's the equation:
1) Slowly add passions into your life carving time out of obligation time to build momentum and belief that it can be done.
2) Repeat step 1 for the rest of your life.
I don't mean to be overly simplistic or condescending to anyone out there but I do want to stimulate your logic a bit. Take a look at the equation above. Does it make sense to you? Would you say it is accurate? O.K. maybe not simple to put into practice, but a true statement of the reality of things wouldn't you say?
So let's walk through our deceptively difficult equation.
Lest, I make any assumptions about your level of expertise in this area I will now define what I mean by "passions".
A "passion" is anything that fulfills your values and engages your emotions strongly.
This question begets another: "What is a value?"
Your "values" are those ideals which drive your authentic self. They are the ideas or concepts that make you vibrate. In short, values tell us how we should be spending our time in life. Let me interject a warning right now. The concept of "values" in our culture has been blurred with the word "morals". Please note that I am not using these terms interchangeably as I believe a person's values are a completely different concept all together. For example, in our culture we tend to morally look down our noses at "the rich" as "greedy or gluttonous" but you may indeed have a value that seeks "abundance" and "security" and these things are not necessarily antitheses of each other. Likewise, you may have a moral attitude of giving time to people who need your assistance while at the same time being very emotionaly healthy when you honor your value of "good health" by saying you have to go workout before you can come over a friend's house to help with a project.
Obviously, your morality is often closely linked to your values and I am sure there are scenarios where you morality is challenged by your values. In those cases your job is to decide what is most important TO YOU. Remember, I will guide you in these processes but the decision of who you want to be is always yours!
1) We don't have time to waste on "someday" if we want to create a fulfilling life. We have to start immediately.
2) Passions in your life would increase the quality of your life.
3) Obligations are obligations - they have to get done.
I feel like I have to keep speaking to people's internal critic on point #3 above. So I will do so again. Please know, that I am NOT ignoring that you have alot of things you feel you have to do. Just trust the process right now and ask yourself whether you agree with the principals I am setting forth. If you find yourself saying "Yea, sure more passion in my life would be wonderful but you don't understand how much I have to do - I have no time for passion!", then you are likely most in need of this work we are doing.
So here's the equation:
1) Slowly add passions into your life carving time out of obligation time to build momentum and belief that it can be done.
2) Repeat step 1 for the rest of your life.
I don't mean to be overly simplistic or condescending to anyone out there but I do want to stimulate your logic a bit. Take a look at the equation above. Does it make sense to you? Would you say it is accurate? O.K. maybe not simple to put into practice, but a true statement of the reality of things wouldn't you say?
So let's walk through our deceptively difficult equation.
Lest, I make any assumptions about your level of expertise in this area I will now define what I mean by "passions".
A "passion" is anything that fulfills your values and engages your emotions strongly.
This question begets another: "What is a value?"
Your "values" are those ideals which drive your authentic self. They are the ideas or concepts that make you vibrate. In short, values tell us how we should be spending our time in life. Let me interject a warning right now. The concept of "values" in our culture has been blurred with the word "morals". Please note that I am not using these terms interchangeably as I believe a person's values are a completely different concept all together. For example, in our culture we tend to morally look down our noses at "the rich" as "greedy or gluttonous" but you may indeed have a value that seeks "abundance" and "security" and these things are not necessarily antitheses of each other. Likewise, you may have a moral attitude of giving time to people who need your assistance while at the same time being very emotionaly healthy when you honor your value of "good health" by saying you have to go workout before you can come over a friend's house to help with a project.
Obviously, your morality is often closely linked to your values and I am sure there are scenarios where you morality is challenged by your values. In those cases your job is to decide what is most important TO YOU. Remember, I will guide you in these processes but the decision of who you want to be is always yours!
Two great ways to identify your values is to review "mountain top moments" and "valley experiences".
Mountain top moments - Think of the greatest moments in your life. Don't just think of what you would say if asked on national television. Answer this one alone to yourself. Don't say "the birth of my children" or "my wedding day" just because its the "right answer". It may actually be "the one night stand I had in college" or "the homerun I hit in the high school playoff game". Don't put judgments on this. We are looking for moments when you were truly alive and filled with life! Don't assume that the value you pull from a peak experience means you would necessarily do the experience again. In the "one night stand" example you may have values of "physical intimacy", "danger", "adventure" or "wildness" that can be honored in much more "moral" ways. The value we glean from the mountain top experience is much more important than the experience itself.
Valley Experiences - Think of a time where you were your most angry. Or Sad. What got you so angry? What did you feel you lost that had made you so sad? Anything that triggers strong emotions in you is likely to contain a hidden value. If you were angry at the guy who cut you off in traffic you may have a value for "civility" or "courtesy". If you were crushed when your team lost the superbowl you may have a value of "overcoming adversity" or "competitiveness".
If you have knots in your stomach when your bills arrive in the mail you may have a value of "security" or "abundance" that is not being honored by your current situation.
Use these high and low experiences to identify some of your strongest values. When you see the same ones showing up from various high and low experiences notice and identify the value. To the extent that you are honoring that value in your life, you are likely living well. To the extent that you are disregarding that value, you are likely frustrated, depressed, bored or angry in life.
There is no such thing as a lack of time. Only a lack of priorities." - Timothy Ferris
Time Keeps on Ticking - Part I
I am all about trying to get my clients to run toward their passions. Notice I said "run", not "walk" or "crawl". There's a really big reason for that. Time is a wastin'! For most mid-lifers one of the overwhelming senses you are having is how "fast" time is moving all of a sudden. You say things like "9/11 was a decade ago?" "The kids are going back to school already?" or "Oh my God she is turning 9 this year???" Let's face it, the older we get the faster time seems to travel. We blink and we are 40. We fear what the next blink will bring with it. Well, if that is the case, what are we to take from that? What would someone who is consciously and intentionally trying to design a life of fulfillment, purpose and meaning take from the fact that time is moving very quickly? Here's what I think we have to take from it:
1) "Someday" is right now.
"Someday" is a killer. It kills dreams, hopes, experiences, relationships, businesses, and health. Take a moment to think about the things you put on "someday" in your youth that you now feel you are unable to do. . . . ever. You are lying to yourself if you think the things you are saying "someday" about now are any different.
2) Ultimately, the measure of your happiness and fulfillment is going to be how much of that time you spend doing what you love, and being with who you love.
Write down 5 things you absolutely love doing or would love to do. Now write a separate list of 5 things you believe you "have to do" but really don't "want to do". Take an hour. 60 minutes. Now imagine that one hour, spent three different ways, doing the things on each of your lists. So there are three options:
A) You spend 15 minutes doing the things on the "passion list" and 45 minutes on the "have to" list.
B) You spend 30 minutes doing the things on the "passion list" and 30 minutes on the "have to list".
C) You spend 45 minutes doing things on the "passion list" and 15 minutes on the "have to" list.
Well, which hour is best? It seems so logical and so simple that a fulfilling life is getting yourself to spend more time doing what you love. Yet, for the vast majority of people in this fast moving time in history, they are spending almost NO TIME in passions. Their entire life is living off of the "have to" list. That is a very dangerous place to live.
So here in part I we are defining the elements of fulfilling life. In summary they involve a few components:
1) The element of time
2) The element of passion
3) The element of obligation or "have to"
I don't live in fantasy land. I am well aware that you can't shirk off your "have to's". I hear thousands of collective "gremlins" shouting "but Joe, you don't know how much I have to do!!"
Yes. I do.
But you ask yourself honestly - If you continue to completely ignore your passions and loves in life just to meet your "to do list" will you look back on your life as one you were happy with? I am not asking you to disregard your children or stop paying your bills mind you. In fact, I'd like to think your children might just become one of the "passions" in your life and you may get to the point where you "pay your bills" with money you make from working in your passions!! THAT is the equation that makes a fulfilling and vibrant life.
Slowly, but surely, with a proper approach, you will fill your life minute by minute with passions. Your life will begin to revolve around what and who you love and there will become the moment of perfection - the point of intersection - the point that all truly fullfilling lives reach ultimately when YOUR "HAVE TO LIST" AND YOUR "PASSION LIST" ARE THE SAME!! At that intersection of obligation and passion is where the best hour in our example would be. A complete hour of passion. Extended out metaphorically, a complete life filled with passion. That is where we want to be. See that in your mind. Get that image. Its where you want to go. Feel what that would be like for a moment. Get the emotion that is going to drive you toward this vision. That is an unbelievable feeling isn't it? You get up every day when you choose to. You do what you want to do when you want to do it. Even at "work" you are doing something you would do for free. That's a fulfilling life. In future part of this series I will work on the details of how to get to this place. Until then, hold your focus on this vision of passion in your life from when you wake up to when you go to sleep.
"The ancestor to every action is a thought" - Ralph Waldo Emerson
1) "Someday" is right now.
"Someday" is a killer. It kills dreams, hopes, experiences, relationships, businesses, and health. Take a moment to think about the things you put on "someday" in your youth that you now feel you are unable to do. . . . ever. You are lying to yourself if you think the things you are saying "someday" about now are any different.
2) Ultimately, the measure of your happiness and fulfillment is going to be how much of that time you spend doing what you love, and being with who you love.
Write down 5 things you absolutely love doing or would love to do. Now write a separate list of 5 things you believe you "have to do" but really don't "want to do". Take an hour. 60 minutes. Now imagine that one hour, spent three different ways, doing the things on each of your lists. So there are three options:
A) You spend 15 minutes doing the things on the "passion list" and 45 minutes on the "have to" list.
B) You spend 30 minutes doing the things on the "passion list" and 30 minutes on the "have to list".
C) You spend 45 minutes doing things on the "passion list" and 15 minutes on the "have to" list.
Well, which hour is best? It seems so logical and so simple that a fulfilling life is getting yourself to spend more time doing what you love. Yet, for the vast majority of people in this fast moving time in history, they are spending almost NO TIME in passions. Their entire life is living off of the "have to" list. That is a very dangerous place to live.
So here in part I we are defining the elements of fulfilling life. In summary they involve a few components:
1) The element of time
2) The element of passion
3) The element of obligation or "have to"
I don't live in fantasy land. I am well aware that you can't shirk off your "have to's". I hear thousands of collective "gremlins" shouting "but Joe, you don't know how much I have to do!!"
Yes. I do.
But you ask yourself honestly - If you continue to completely ignore your passions and loves in life just to meet your "to do list" will you look back on your life as one you were happy with? I am not asking you to disregard your children or stop paying your bills mind you. In fact, I'd like to think your children might just become one of the "passions" in your life and you may get to the point where you "pay your bills" with money you make from working in your passions!! THAT is the equation that makes a fulfilling and vibrant life.
Slowly, but surely, with a proper approach, you will fill your life minute by minute with passions. Your life will begin to revolve around what and who you love and there will become the moment of perfection - the point of intersection - the point that all truly fullfilling lives reach ultimately when YOUR "HAVE TO LIST" AND YOUR "PASSION LIST" ARE THE SAME!! At that intersection of obligation and passion is where the best hour in our example would be. A complete hour of passion. Extended out metaphorically, a complete life filled with passion. That is where we want to be. See that in your mind. Get that image. Its where you want to go. Feel what that would be like for a moment. Get the emotion that is going to drive you toward this vision. That is an unbelievable feeling isn't it? You get up every day when you choose to. You do what you want to do when you want to do it. Even at "work" you are doing something you would do for free. That's a fulfilling life. In future part of this series I will work on the details of how to get to this place. Until then, hold your focus on this vision of passion in your life from when you wake up to when you go to sleep.
"The ancestor to every action is a thought" - Ralph Waldo Emerson
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