"The principle of concentration is the medium by which procrastination is overcome. The same principle is the foundation upon which both self-confidence and self-esteem are predictated". - Napoleon Hill
Where is your attention? If you feel that you aren't accomplishing everything you want (and maybe need) to in your life, the answer is in your focus.
We live in a society where everyone and everything is competing for our attention. What do you think a "reality show" is? Its nothing more than a network trying to get your attention. What do you think the NFL is? It is a group of wealthy people who are paying men exorbitant amounts of money to . . . get your attention. If you are struggling in your marriage, I can GUARANTEE YOU, some of the problem is that your spouse wants more of your attention. If your not succesful at your occupation, the likely culprit. . . your attention. The clothes people wear, the things they say and do. . . all of it, can on some level, be brought back to where they are paying attention and who they want paying attention to them. Why do you exercise? Why does she wear that blouse? Why does he have that car? Why does she read that book? Its everywhere.
In a world where everyone and everything is vying for it, your attention is probably the number one most valuable thing you own in the world! What would a lawyer pay to have a juror's undivided attention? What would a company pay for your attention to their product? (Nike spends millions just on superbowl commercials and they have a commercial for their products running somewhere in the world 24 hours a day, 365 days a year). So, the (multi)million dollar question is . . . do you treat your attention as being that valuable? Are you even aware that you can decide where you place your valuable attention?
By the way, once someone has your attention, they can be incredibly crafty at keeping it. . . Ask the producers of American Idol. Take a good look at your day and see if there was anything in it that got your attention without you even realizing it. Surf the net at work? Do you have a specific schedule of when you will allow that distraction? Or. . . do you surf the net jumping from interesting thing to interesting thing until something else (like that client calling) recaptures your attention? I'm a realist. I understand why you surf the net at work. I can even make a very strong argument for PURPOSELY and INTENTIONALLY surfing the net for a pre-determined amount of time to shift your focus away from work. A great time to do this is immediately after finishing a task you committed to completing and right before undertaking the next task. But, if your attention is being left to advertisers, columnists or bloggers until someone or something else (besides your own conscious choice) breaks the spell, then you are not focused.
Want a better marriage. Focus on it. Want a better relationship with your kids? Go focus on them. Want to do better at work? Lose weight? Have a great sex life? Get in the best physical shape of your life? Get wealthy? . . . focus, intentionally your attention on that area of your life.
I know it sounds simple. It is. All it it really requires is the awareness that you choose where to put your attention. People don't mis-aim their attention. They don't even realize they can aim it.
Do this for one week (and beyond if it serves you):
1)Whatever area of your life you would like to improve this week, commit to placing your focus on it at specific times every single day. Focus on your wife, for example, every day this week at 8am, 10am, 12pm, 2pm, 4pm, 6pm, 8pm, and 10pm. I am not saying you need to do something for her at all of these times. I am not even saying she needs to know your focusing on her. Just focus on her at these times for no less than 5 minutes. One week. Watch what happens that week.
2) Go on an information diet. Unplug from anyone who can financially profit off of your attention for one week. Reset and decide anew who deserves your attention. Turn the TV off for a week. When you turn it back on, make conscious decisions about what if anything on TV should have your attention. Ask yourself what else you could do with your attention during that "reality show" you just have to watch. Same with internet. Newspapers. Fictional books. Its just a week. Once every three months, do it again. Just make the decision where to put your attention. I am not telling you where to put it, but I am suggesting that you should absolutely be placing your attention on purpose.
"Any man who can safely drive while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves. - Albert Einstein
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Sunday, October 3, 2010
The All or Nothing Myth
"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step" - Chinese Proverb
Ever get paralyzed by the changes you need to make in your life? Its a terribly debilitating feeling. It flows from a mindset that if you don't make the biggest change required in your life you might as well make no changes at all. Of course, its faulty and illogical thinking that if followed will only rob your life of growth you could accomplish relatively easily. Here are some examples of ways this kind of thinking can manifest itself as well as what healthier thinking would suggest is the proper way to handle the situation:
Ex #1:
Wrong: You need to lose 50 lbs but just don't feel mentally ready to begin the five month "diet" you think it will require. So you do nothing to improve your health or move toward fat loss. In fact, you eat worse, because you do believe that you'll be able to "begin" soon and since you are, you may as well have a few more days of eating garbage!
Right: Ask yourself if there is ANYTHING you can EASILY do toward your overall goal. You decide that while you aren't ready to "start your diet", you can get rid of your afternoon soda and replace it with water. You cut 125 calories of pure sugar from your diet which amounts all by itself to a loss of 1 pound a month. (Dont look now, but if you do nothing else you will be quarter of the way to your overall goal of losing 50 pounds in one year. And remember, you weren't willing to "start yet").
Ex #2
Wrong: You and your spouse aren't communicating well on a subject and it is causing alot of friction in the house. You become more withdrawn on the issues and things where you both DO see eye to eye. You start pulling back from the things that ARE strong in your relationship because you are so focused on the disagreement. Your spouse reciprocates by responding the exact same way. Physical intimacy is pulled. Laughter is pulled. Hobbies you shared are pulled. Before long, you and your spouse are fully disengaged from each other. When it becomes unbearable you will still have to address the disagreement that started the whole thing but you will also have to address the withdrawl of affection and the hurt each of you caused by withdrawing from each other.
Right: You tell your spouse that you recognize that there is an issue in the relationship and that both of you are emotional about it. Over the ensuing days instead of withdrawing you sink extra effort into the strengths of your relationship. You aren't dismissing the diagreement or pretendig it doesn't exist. If you and your spouse usually go for a walk in the morning, invite him or her to still go despite the disagreement. You make an increased effort to give a hug, a kiss, or any other small indication of value and intimacy. You continue to care for your spouse and fulfill your role in the relationship. Eventually, the disagreement will still be there to discuss if it really was a genuine issue to begin with. You may find that by focusing on the strengths in the relationship the "issue" ultimately is revealed to be nothing more than a bad mood and the mere passage of time and intimacy have resolved the issue completely.
Ex #3
Wrong: You hate your career and long to be doing something else. As a result you do the absolute minimum that you can get away with at work but because you still have to be at the job at all you do nothing when you get home from work to get you into a new career. You claim you don't have time and fall into the poor thinking where you believe that you are trapped in your job. You start to tell yourself that you can't get away from your career because you have to go to work. You spend the rest of your life in a dead career for you, and bypass your true calling.
Right: You find ways to enjoy your current job more. You keep an organized desk and try not to get yourself overwhelmed. The job seems more tolerable when you are doing it well. Doing poor work because you hate it will only make you hate it more. At the same time, if it really isn't the career for you, you must take steps to get out. Although you are tired from work, when you get home you spend just 1/2 hour on your new career. You could of course do this first thing in the morning or any other time of day. The point is , while you won't be moving as fast as you would like toward your new career, you will be moving toward it. The alternative is to be completely stopped.
You will see the principle of "all or nothing" manifesting itself in all areas of one's life if that is a mindset they generally subscribe to. You must do an assessment in your life of whether or not you have adopted the "all or nothing" mindset and if so you must excise it completely from your thoughts and replace it with a "small step" philosophy. Whether it is health, career, relationships, passions, or finances, get your hands dirty with action. Small, smart action applied consistently. Then another small step building on the first. If you do this, you may find that you actually accomplish big goals before you ever officially "start".
The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret to getting started is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into smal manageable tasks and then starting on the first one. - Mark Twain
Ever get paralyzed by the changes you need to make in your life? Its a terribly debilitating feeling. It flows from a mindset that if you don't make the biggest change required in your life you might as well make no changes at all. Of course, its faulty and illogical thinking that if followed will only rob your life of growth you could accomplish relatively easily. Here are some examples of ways this kind of thinking can manifest itself as well as what healthier thinking would suggest is the proper way to handle the situation:
Ex #1:
Wrong: You need to lose 50 lbs but just don't feel mentally ready to begin the five month "diet" you think it will require. So you do nothing to improve your health or move toward fat loss. In fact, you eat worse, because you do believe that you'll be able to "begin" soon and since you are, you may as well have a few more days of eating garbage!
Right: Ask yourself if there is ANYTHING you can EASILY do toward your overall goal. You decide that while you aren't ready to "start your diet", you can get rid of your afternoon soda and replace it with water. You cut 125 calories of pure sugar from your diet which amounts all by itself to a loss of 1 pound a month. (Dont look now, but if you do nothing else you will be quarter of the way to your overall goal of losing 50 pounds in one year. And remember, you weren't willing to "start yet").
Ex #2
Wrong: You and your spouse aren't communicating well on a subject and it is causing alot of friction in the house. You become more withdrawn on the issues and things where you both DO see eye to eye. You start pulling back from the things that ARE strong in your relationship because you are so focused on the disagreement. Your spouse reciprocates by responding the exact same way. Physical intimacy is pulled. Laughter is pulled. Hobbies you shared are pulled. Before long, you and your spouse are fully disengaged from each other. When it becomes unbearable you will still have to address the disagreement that started the whole thing but you will also have to address the withdrawl of affection and the hurt each of you caused by withdrawing from each other.
Right: You tell your spouse that you recognize that there is an issue in the relationship and that both of you are emotional about it. Over the ensuing days instead of withdrawing you sink extra effort into the strengths of your relationship. You aren't dismissing the diagreement or pretendig it doesn't exist. If you and your spouse usually go for a walk in the morning, invite him or her to still go despite the disagreement. You make an increased effort to give a hug, a kiss, or any other small indication of value and intimacy. You continue to care for your spouse and fulfill your role in the relationship. Eventually, the disagreement will still be there to discuss if it really was a genuine issue to begin with. You may find that by focusing on the strengths in the relationship the "issue" ultimately is revealed to be nothing more than a bad mood and the mere passage of time and intimacy have resolved the issue completely.
Ex #3
Wrong: You hate your career and long to be doing something else. As a result you do the absolute minimum that you can get away with at work but because you still have to be at the job at all you do nothing when you get home from work to get you into a new career. You claim you don't have time and fall into the poor thinking where you believe that you are trapped in your job. You start to tell yourself that you can't get away from your career because you have to go to work. You spend the rest of your life in a dead career for you, and bypass your true calling.
Right: You find ways to enjoy your current job more. You keep an organized desk and try not to get yourself overwhelmed. The job seems more tolerable when you are doing it well. Doing poor work because you hate it will only make you hate it more. At the same time, if it really isn't the career for you, you must take steps to get out. Although you are tired from work, when you get home you spend just 1/2 hour on your new career. You could of course do this first thing in the morning or any other time of day. The point is , while you won't be moving as fast as you would like toward your new career, you will be moving toward it. The alternative is to be completely stopped.
You will see the principle of "all or nothing" manifesting itself in all areas of one's life if that is a mindset they generally subscribe to. You must do an assessment in your life of whether or not you have adopted the "all or nothing" mindset and if so you must excise it completely from your thoughts and replace it with a "small step" philosophy. Whether it is health, career, relationships, passions, or finances, get your hands dirty with action. Small, smart action applied consistently. Then another small step building on the first. If you do this, you may find that you actually accomplish big goals before you ever officially "start".
The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret to getting started is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into smal manageable tasks and then starting on the first one. - Mark Twain
Saturday, September 18, 2010
"DIET" IS NOT A DIRTY WORD
"More die in the United States of too much food than of too little". - John Kenneth Galbraith
What is the first thing that comes to your mind when you think of the word "diet"? If your anything like me you think of "restriction". But the word doesn't actually mean that. Its primary definition is:
"Food and drink regularly provided or consumed. "-Websters Dictionary
I teach my clients that healthy people aren't fat. Healthy people aren't sick. So instead of trying to "diet" to stop being fat, or "diet" to "feel better" why not just eat healthy to be healthy?
If you are struggling with your weight, I'd like you to take a new approach mentally. I'd like you to simply eat healthy. Don't worry about how much you eat. Every diet by day three has you feeling deprived and lethargic because you have restricted your calories. I think its a poor approach.
I've been on my share of "diets" and every single one of them ends up back where I started or worse! Its just a matter of time. White knuckling against your body's desire to nourish itself is simply not a rational plan for optimal health.
Again, I want to say "healthy people aren't fat". By definition, "healthy people" are exactly the weight they are supposed to be.
Before you EVER restrict calories to "lose weight", I believe you should be eating nothing but healthy food. Think about that for a moment and ask yourself if that makes sense. Why would you go from eating an unhealthy diet that is high in calories to a low calorie diet? Why wouldn't you go from a high calorie unhealthy diet to a high calorie HEALTHY diet first? Then we can talk about cutting calories!
I'll make a deal with you. If you continue to gain weight or even if you don't LOSE weight eating nothing but healthy, nourishing, vitalizing foods THEN I will give you permission to start cutting calories. Try eating nothing but healthy food for 6.5 days a week for 6 weeks. No restriction. No starving yourself. If you want to eat, go ahead! But WHAT you eat is what I would focus on. I would also give yourself permission to eat whatever you want to one half day a week. Sure the first week you will probably undo some of your weight loss. But I truly believe that after a few weeks of eating properly in any quantity you want your body will adjust, your hunger will get firmly under control and you won't even be ABLE to over-eat. I know. Too good to be true right? Try it. Im not selling you anything. I have nothing to gain from giving you this advice but the satisfaction that I might help someone who has spent their entire life fighting against their body to finally start working with it.
Focus on eating great food. Lots of it! As much of it as you want for six weeks. Go nuts (literally). Eat as much of the following as you want for 6 weeks and then (and only then) can you really consider cutting back on calories. IF you decide you need to reduce your calories after the six week healthy eating plan, you will see it will be a far different proposition than cutting 4000 pizza calories a day from your diet. It isn't that easy to gain weight on the right foods. The foods I am going to suggest you eat all work WITH your body. They control your blood sugar levels and hormones. They avoid the wild swings and fluctuations characterized by a high glycemic, high fat diet. Watch. Eat minimally six meals which consist of at least two of the following food groups at every meal:
Dairy- cheese, yogurt, milk etc.
Beans and legumes
vegetables
berries - strawberries, blueberries, rasberries, blackberries
Lean meats -turkey, fish, chicken, lean beef, lean pork
Nuts - almonds, walnuts, pecans, cashews. NATURAL peanut butter.
Whole grains - whole grain cereals, breads, Oatmeal, and whole wheat pasta
Olive oil
eggs
Add a multivitamin. Drink 8 glasses of water a day. No restrictions. Go eat. Just eat healthy food that works with your body.
If you find that removing all of your favorite "bad for you" foods is simply too restrictive, I would encourage you to eat more from the list above to "displace" the bad food for a few weeks. So if you would normally eat two bacon egg and cheese biscuits for breakfast - instead eat one and a bowl of oatmeal for a week or two.
If you would eat a bigmac and large fries for lunch, lose the fries and eat a salad with your big mac for a week or two.
I want you to focus on adding healthy, nourishing food that works with your body not removing food from your diet. Slowly displace the unhealthy with the healthy. When your diet is 100% healthy, just stay there in any quantity for a few weeks and watch what happens. If at that point you feel you still need to restrict calories, go ahead. You'll find it much easier at this point.
Good luck! Go be healthy!
What is the first thing that comes to your mind when you think of the word "diet"? If your anything like me you think of "restriction". But the word doesn't actually mean that. Its primary definition is:
"Food and drink regularly provided or consumed. "-Websters Dictionary
I teach my clients that healthy people aren't fat. Healthy people aren't sick. So instead of trying to "diet" to stop being fat, or "diet" to "feel better" why not just eat healthy to be healthy?
If you are struggling with your weight, I'd like you to take a new approach mentally. I'd like you to simply eat healthy. Don't worry about how much you eat. Every diet by day three has you feeling deprived and lethargic because you have restricted your calories. I think its a poor approach.
I've been on my share of "diets" and every single one of them ends up back where I started or worse! Its just a matter of time. White knuckling against your body's desire to nourish itself is simply not a rational plan for optimal health.
Again, I want to say "healthy people aren't fat". By definition, "healthy people" are exactly the weight they are supposed to be.
Before you EVER restrict calories to "lose weight", I believe you should be eating nothing but healthy food. Think about that for a moment and ask yourself if that makes sense. Why would you go from eating an unhealthy diet that is high in calories to a low calorie diet? Why wouldn't you go from a high calorie unhealthy diet to a high calorie HEALTHY diet first? Then we can talk about cutting calories!
I'll make a deal with you. If you continue to gain weight or even if you don't LOSE weight eating nothing but healthy, nourishing, vitalizing foods THEN I will give you permission to start cutting calories. Try eating nothing but healthy food for 6.5 days a week for 6 weeks. No restriction. No starving yourself. If you want to eat, go ahead! But WHAT you eat is what I would focus on. I would also give yourself permission to eat whatever you want to one half day a week. Sure the first week you will probably undo some of your weight loss. But I truly believe that after a few weeks of eating properly in any quantity you want your body will adjust, your hunger will get firmly under control and you won't even be ABLE to over-eat. I know. Too good to be true right? Try it. Im not selling you anything. I have nothing to gain from giving you this advice but the satisfaction that I might help someone who has spent their entire life fighting against their body to finally start working with it.
Focus on eating great food. Lots of it! As much of it as you want for six weeks. Go nuts (literally). Eat as much of the following as you want for 6 weeks and then (and only then) can you really consider cutting back on calories. IF you decide you need to reduce your calories after the six week healthy eating plan, you will see it will be a far different proposition than cutting 4000 pizza calories a day from your diet. It isn't that easy to gain weight on the right foods. The foods I am going to suggest you eat all work WITH your body. They control your blood sugar levels and hormones. They avoid the wild swings and fluctuations characterized by a high glycemic, high fat diet. Watch. Eat minimally six meals which consist of at least two of the following food groups at every meal:
Dairy- cheese, yogurt, milk etc.
Beans and legumes
vegetables
berries - strawberries, blueberries, rasberries, blackberries
Lean meats -turkey, fish, chicken, lean beef, lean pork
Nuts - almonds, walnuts, pecans, cashews. NATURAL peanut butter.
Whole grains - whole grain cereals, breads, Oatmeal, and whole wheat pasta
Olive oil
eggs
Add a multivitamin. Drink 8 glasses of water a day. No restrictions. Go eat. Just eat healthy food that works with your body.
If you find that removing all of your favorite "bad for you" foods is simply too restrictive, I would encourage you to eat more from the list above to "displace" the bad food for a few weeks. So if you would normally eat two bacon egg and cheese biscuits for breakfast - instead eat one and a bowl of oatmeal for a week or two.
If you would eat a bigmac and large fries for lunch, lose the fries and eat a salad with your big mac for a week or two.
I want you to focus on adding healthy, nourishing food that works with your body not removing food from your diet. Slowly displace the unhealthy with the healthy. When your diet is 100% healthy, just stay there in any quantity for a few weeks and watch what happens. If at that point you feel you still need to restrict calories, go ahead. You'll find it much easier at this point.
Good luck! Go be healthy!
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Sharpen Your Axe
If the axe is dull and the edge unsharpened more strength is needed but wisdom will bring you success. - Ecclesiastes 10:10
If you've been working on being honest with yourself you probably have discovered that you are settling in many areas of your life. If you did the "honesty inventory" I described in a prior post then you have probably identified areas of your life that you need to change. First of all congratulations! As I discussed before just becoming aware of the lies you have been telling yourself has moved you into a higher level of living. But you can't stop there. Now you have to truly commit to not only remaining in truth but changing that truth to what you want it to be!
If you've been working on being honest with yourself you probably have discovered that you are settling in many areas of your life. If you did the "honesty inventory" I described in a prior post then you have probably identified areas of your life that you need to change. First of all congratulations! As I discussed before just becoming aware of the lies you have been telling yourself has moved you into a higher level of living. But you can't stop there. Now you have to truly commit to not only remaining in truth but changing that truth to what you want it to be!
One of the rules along the way that will save you a lot of time comes from a pretty famous story no doubt originating from bible quote at the beginning of this post. The story goes like this:
A lumberjack who worked for a demanding boss for over a year was suddenly fired for low productivity. He was replaced with a lumberjack who was promoted by the same boss in less than two weeks for high productivity. When the first lumberjack heard this, he went to the forest and asked the lumberjack who took his job what his secret was. The second lumber jack said " every twenty minutes I take two minutes to sharpen my axe".
The point is simple (again, most profoundly useful life strategies are). Whether you are trying to lose 30 pounds, rekindle your marriage or get that promotion at work you need to work smarter not harder. Here are some suggestions for "sharpening your axe":
1) Get 8 hours of restful sleep. Sleep deprivation in the name of productivity is an oxymoron. Sleep deprivation leads to poor focus, low energy, hormonal changes, mood problems, anxiety and furstration. A restful night sleep will undoubtedly help you perform whatever your task is the following day.
2) Exercise daily - It improves mood, strengthens you body, fights fat and boosts your immune system. Its simple. You are either vibrantly healthy while trying to perform you tasks or you aren't.
3) Eat properly - Give your body what it needs. Whether you are trying to get amorous with your spouse or filling out the applicatino for the business loan, eating properly will keep your blood sugars level and help you maintain focus. Your body will work with you instead of against you by rewarding you with energy and well-being while you accomplish your task.
4) Don't multi-task. Perform one thing at a time, always. You're lying to yourself if you really believe you can do two or more things at once that both require your attention. Obviously, you can maximize efficiency by using "net time" which is simply those times when you CAN actually do two things at once but we as humans in the 21st century think we can way more simultaneously than we really can. We can listen to an audiobook on self-improvement while we jog or drive. But we can't really email and drive or study for an important test while playing poker online. We can't really review those reports and surf the web. You know where multi-tasking is negatively effecting you. Get rid of it. Try it for a week and watch what happens when you focus on one thing at a time.
5) Create a list of goals for the day and review them in the morning, again at noon and then again in the late afternoon early/evening. Live purposefully. Decide what is most important to get done today and tackle that task first. If you do this every day you willl undoubtedly become more productive. Make sure you are making realistic, objectively verifiable goals that in themselves are small steps to a larger goal for your life.
6) Delegate. Don't fool yourself into believing that you're going to "go it alone". Succesful people have support systems. They have people who believe in their life purpose and work with them to accomplish it. Outsource those things that don't honor your time or that someone else is simply better equipped to do. I love to coach and write about personal growth but I am not a computer programmer. I let the good folks at blogpot do the programming that made this blog possible without me having to learn html. Likewise I currently have a web designer designing my website. Could I learn how to do this on my own? Sure I could but its simply not worth my time to learn. I am a life coach, not a web designer.
7) Clear your head. Spend at least 10 minutes a day minimum in silence. Complete silence. We have so much information bombarding us every day. Our brains are always being programmed whether intentionally or unintentionally by the environment around us. TV, Radio, people on the subway, newspapers, websites, co-workers, texts, tweets. . . well you get the idea. Try taking just 10 minutes a day to sit in silence. You'll immediately see a boost in overall productivity.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE
"You never find yourself until you face the truth". -Pearl Bailey
"I really don't think its that big of a deal"
"It's only a few pounds"
" We are just in a rough patch right now".
"I'll quit soon".
We as a world have drifted so far from truth that we have forgotten it is a major foundational virtue of a functioning society, family, workplace and individual. We have gotten to a point where deception, fraud, and outright lies to ourselves and others is normal. Ask yourself right now what you are hiding. Ask yourself right now what you don't want to admit about yourself. Imagine if you co-workers knew everything about you. Or your parents. Or your kids. Do you get a sick feeling when you think about this subject? Stop. Feel that feeling and ask yourself why you feel it. To make real changes in your life you MUST get honest with yourself and others. If you have not practiced honestly and authenticity in a while it can be very uncomfortable.
If you have some nagging issues in your relationship but don't discuss them for fear of "rocking the boat", you are a prime candidate for an "honestly inventory". If you have a few things you hope your boss never finds out about because if she did you might lose your job, you may very well need to evaluate your honesty. If you don't like to budget because you don't want to "face" the reality of your finances - you need to assess your authenticity.
Ultimately "truth" and "honesty" is nothing more than living in reality. When you are being dishonest to yourself or someone else you are actually living in a fantasy land that you created. You become incongruent with reality. When you live incongruent with reality to any real degree you make uneducated choices. When you make uneducated choices, you increase the probability that those choices will end up with a poor outcome.
If you lived your life under the fantasy that people can't get injured, you might do all sorts of things that aren't good for you. If you still believed in a Santa Clause you might think you didn't have to save up any money for the kids' Christmas! At their very core, isn't profound mental disability nothing more than profound dishonesty?? A severely psychotic person literally sees and hears things that aren't there! Well, when you distort your real situation to make yourself "feel better" or to avoid conflict or shame or guilt, or any other negative emotion, you choose the path of fantasy world and then operate your life as if that fantasy were reality.
On a very practical level, lie to yourself about that weight gain and you will keep operating like you aren't fat and unhealthy leading to more ill-health and a lifetime of chronic medical conditions. Choose to keep saying "i'll do it later" when you know you won't just means it won't get done. Keep pretending that staying at a career you really hate makes sense to you somehow because of the money or the pestige and you will operate from that story and spend the rest of your life a slave to your occupation. Keep calling your disintegrating marriage a "rough patch" or keep making up stories about how "all marriages are like this" and divorce is not far away.
The first step to any life change is truth. Brutal, unequivocal, some-times painful, often liberating, TRUTH!
"I have to lose weight"
"This marriage is broken"
"This job is not for me"
"I am addicted"
The truths are the launching pad for change. The person who decides they will not spend 60 hours a week at a job they hate starts to think about alternatives. The one who drinks alcohol, watches tv, or does any number of escapes to pretend their career is fine and just "not think about it" is lying and destined to stay at that career until someone else forces them out.
Ever wonder why practically every diet program or exercise plan begins with you assessing your current situation or taking a"before photo"? Its so you get in touch with reality and then use reality to guague your progress. Truth is nothing more than finding reality and admitting its existence.
Identify those areas in your life where you aren't being fully truthful with yourself or others. Get out a notebook and write down the brutal truth. I know it may feel scary at first but believe me, you are closer to change just by doing this exercise than you may have ever been before. Go through the major areas of your life like career, finances, spirituality, relationships and physical health and do an "honesty inventory". Identify where and why you are distorting reality.
Remember stating the truth doesn't mean you WILL fix something right away. Alot of people don't like this exercise because they feel that identifying things they aren't ready to fix will make them feel guilty. Maybe it will. But let me be clear about what I am asking you to do. I am asking you simply to be honest. You may very well say something like:
"I am significantly overweight and unhealthy right now. I don't feel good about myself and I know that I am endangering my health living like this. But I don't have the willpower or self-discipline to lose this weight right now so I am not even going to try".
That MAY be the truth!! (I submit it probably isn't but that's for another post!). If that is your truth right now, so be it. Even THAT truth is better than "I really don't want to lose weight because I think diets are unhealthy", or "It's not that bad", "I'm not that vain". Lies. Truthfully admitting you have a problem you are unable or unwilling to solve right now is far better than lying about not having a problem at all. Try it. See what comes up. Often when you do this exercise you realize that what you have been saying to yourself is not true. You start looking at the issues that you are lying about and decide that you can change the truth to a new truth.
This is how change happens.
"The truth is like the sun. You can shut it out for a time but it ain't going away. - Elvis Presley
"I really don't think its that big of a deal"
"It's only a few pounds"
" We are just in a rough patch right now".
"I'll quit soon".
We as a world have drifted so far from truth that we have forgotten it is a major foundational virtue of a functioning society, family, workplace and individual. We have gotten to a point where deception, fraud, and outright lies to ourselves and others is normal. Ask yourself right now what you are hiding. Ask yourself right now what you don't want to admit about yourself. Imagine if you co-workers knew everything about you. Or your parents. Or your kids. Do you get a sick feeling when you think about this subject? Stop. Feel that feeling and ask yourself why you feel it. To make real changes in your life you MUST get honest with yourself and others. If you have not practiced honestly and authenticity in a while it can be very uncomfortable.
If you have some nagging issues in your relationship but don't discuss them for fear of "rocking the boat", you are a prime candidate for an "honestly inventory". If you have a few things you hope your boss never finds out about because if she did you might lose your job, you may very well need to evaluate your honesty. If you don't like to budget because you don't want to "face" the reality of your finances - you need to assess your authenticity.
Ultimately "truth" and "honesty" is nothing more than living in reality. When you are being dishonest to yourself or someone else you are actually living in a fantasy land that you created. You become incongruent with reality. When you live incongruent with reality to any real degree you make uneducated choices. When you make uneducated choices, you increase the probability that those choices will end up with a poor outcome.
If you lived your life under the fantasy that people can't get injured, you might do all sorts of things that aren't good for you. If you still believed in a Santa Clause you might think you didn't have to save up any money for the kids' Christmas! At their very core, isn't profound mental disability nothing more than profound dishonesty?? A severely psychotic person literally sees and hears things that aren't there! Well, when you distort your real situation to make yourself "feel better" or to avoid conflict or shame or guilt, or any other negative emotion, you choose the path of fantasy world and then operate your life as if that fantasy were reality.
On a very practical level, lie to yourself about that weight gain and you will keep operating like you aren't fat and unhealthy leading to more ill-health and a lifetime of chronic medical conditions. Choose to keep saying "i'll do it later" when you know you won't just means it won't get done. Keep pretending that staying at a career you really hate makes sense to you somehow because of the money or the pestige and you will operate from that story and spend the rest of your life a slave to your occupation. Keep calling your disintegrating marriage a "rough patch" or keep making up stories about how "all marriages are like this" and divorce is not far away.
The first step to any life change is truth. Brutal, unequivocal, some-times painful, often liberating, TRUTH!
"I have to lose weight"
"This marriage is broken"
"This job is not for me"
"I am addicted"
The truths are the launching pad for change. The person who decides they will not spend 60 hours a week at a job they hate starts to think about alternatives. The one who drinks alcohol, watches tv, or does any number of escapes to pretend their career is fine and just "not think about it" is lying and destined to stay at that career until someone else forces them out.
Ever wonder why practically every diet program or exercise plan begins with you assessing your current situation or taking a"before photo"? Its so you get in touch with reality and then use reality to guague your progress. Truth is nothing more than finding reality and admitting its existence.
Identify those areas in your life where you aren't being fully truthful with yourself or others. Get out a notebook and write down the brutal truth. I know it may feel scary at first but believe me, you are closer to change just by doing this exercise than you may have ever been before. Go through the major areas of your life like career, finances, spirituality, relationships and physical health and do an "honesty inventory". Identify where and why you are distorting reality.
Remember stating the truth doesn't mean you WILL fix something right away. Alot of people don't like this exercise because they feel that identifying things they aren't ready to fix will make them feel guilty. Maybe it will. But let me be clear about what I am asking you to do. I am asking you simply to be honest. You may very well say something like:
"I am significantly overweight and unhealthy right now. I don't feel good about myself and I know that I am endangering my health living like this. But I don't have the willpower or self-discipline to lose this weight right now so I am not even going to try".
That MAY be the truth!! (I submit it probably isn't but that's for another post!). If that is your truth right now, so be it. Even THAT truth is better than "I really don't want to lose weight because I think diets are unhealthy", or "It's not that bad", "I'm not that vain". Lies. Truthfully admitting you have a problem you are unable or unwilling to solve right now is far better than lying about not having a problem at all. Try it. See what comes up. Often when you do this exercise you realize that what you have been saying to yourself is not true. You start looking at the issues that you are lying about and decide that you can change the truth to a new truth.
This is how change happens.
"The truth is like the sun. You can shut it out for a time but it ain't going away. - Elvis Presley
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Time Keeps on Ticking - Part II
Ok. Having gone through the essential elements of our fulfillment equation (time, passion and obligation) we can come up with hopefully, a few agreements in principal:
1) We don't have time to waste on "someday" if we want to create a fulfilling life. We have to start immediately.
2) Passions in your life would increase the quality of your life.
3) Obligations are obligations - they have to get done.
I feel like I have to keep speaking to people's internal critic on point #3 above. So I will do so again. Please know, that I am NOT ignoring that you have alot of things you feel you have to do. Just trust the process right now and ask yourself whether you agree with the principals I am setting forth. If you find yourself saying "Yea, sure more passion in my life would be wonderful but you don't understand how much I have to do - I have no time for passion!", then you are likely most in need of this work we are doing.
So here's the equation:
1) Slowly add passions into your life carving time out of obligation time to build momentum and belief that it can be done.
2) Repeat step 1 for the rest of your life.
I don't mean to be overly simplistic or condescending to anyone out there but I do want to stimulate your logic a bit. Take a look at the equation above. Does it make sense to you? Would you say it is accurate? O.K. maybe not simple to put into practice, but a true statement of the reality of things wouldn't you say?
So let's walk through our deceptively difficult equation.
Lest, I make any assumptions about your level of expertise in this area I will now define what I mean by "passions".
A "passion" is anything that fulfills your values and engages your emotions strongly.
This question begets another: "What is a value?"
Your "values" are those ideals which drive your authentic self. They are the ideas or concepts that make you vibrate. In short, values tell us how we should be spending our time in life. Let me interject a warning right now. The concept of "values" in our culture has been blurred with the word "morals". Please note that I am not using these terms interchangeably as I believe a person's values are a completely different concept all together. For example, in our culture we tend to morally look down our noses at "the rich" as "greedy or gluttonous" but you may indeed have a value that seeks "abundance" and "security" and these things are not necessarily antitheses of each other. Likewise, you may have a moral attitude of giving time to people who need your assistance while at the same time being very emotionaly healthy when you honor your value of "good health" by saying you have to go workout before you can come over a friend's house to help with a project.
Obviously, your morality is often closely linked to your values and I am sure there are scenarios where you morality is challenged by your values. In those cases your job is to decide what is most important TO YOU. Remember, I will guide you in these processes but the decision of who you want to be is always yours!
1) We don't have time to waste on "someday" if we want to create a fulfilling life. We have to start immediately.
2) Passions in your life would increase the quality of your life.
3) Obligations are obligations - they have to get done.
I feel like I have to keep speaking to people's internal critic on point #3 above. So I will do so again. Please know, that I am NOT ignoring that you have alot of things you feel you have to do. Just trust the process right now and ask yourself whether you agree with the principals I am setting forth. If you find yourself saying "Yea, sure more passion in my life would be wonderful but you don't understand how much I have to do - I have no time for passion!", then you are likely most in need of this work we are doing.
So here's the equation:
1) Slowly add passions into your life carving time out of obligation time to build momentum and belief that it can be done.
2) Repeat step 1 for the rest of your life.
I don't mean to be overly simplistic or condescending to anyone out there but I do want to stimulate your logic a bit. Take a look at the equation above. Does it make sense to you? Would you say it is accurate? O.K. maybe not simple to put into practice, but a true statement of the reality of things wouldn't you say?
So let's walk through our deceptively difficult equation.
Lest, I make any assumptions about your level of expertise in this area I will now define what I mean by "passions".
A "passion" is anything that fulfills your values and engages your emotions strongly.
This question begets another: "What is a value?"
Your "values" are those ideals which drive your authentic self. They are the ideas or concepts that make you vibrate. In short, values tell us how we should be spending our time in life. Let me interject a warning right now. The concept of "values" in our culture has been blurred with the word "morals". Please note that I am not using these terms interchangeably as I believe a person's values are a completely different concept all together. For example, in our culture we tend to morally look down our noses at "the rich" as "greedy or gluttonous" but you may indeed have a value that seeks "abundance" and "security" and these things are not necessarily antitheses of each other. Likewise, you may have a moral attitude of giving time to people who need your assistance while at the same time being very emotionaly healthy when you honor your value of "good health" by saying you have to go workout before you can come over a friend's house to help with a project.
Obviously, your morality is often closely linked to your values and I am sure there are scenarios where you morality is challenged by your values. In those cases your job is to decide what is most important TO YOU. Remember, I will guide you in these processes but the decision of who you want to be is always yours!
Two great ways to identify your values is to review "mountain top moments" and "valley experiences".
Mountain top moments - Think of the greatest moments in your life. Don't just think of what you would say if asked on national television. Answer this one alone to yourself. Don't say "the birth of my children" or "my wedding day" just because its the "right answer". It may actually be "the one night stand I had in college" or "the homerun I hit in the high school playoff game". Don't put judgments on this. We are looking for moments when you were truly alive and filled with life! Don't assume that the value you pull from a peak experience means you would necessarily do the experience again. In the "one night stand" example you may have values of "physical intimacy", "danger", "adventure" or "wildness" that can be honored in much more "moral" ways. The value we glean from the mountain top experience is much more important than the experience itself.
Valley Experiences - Think of a time where you were your most angry. Or Sad. What got you so angry? What did you feel you lost that had made you so sad? Anything that triggers strong emotions in you is likely to contain a hidden value. If you were angry at the guy who cut you off in traffic you may have a value for "civility" or "courtesy". If you were crushed when your team lost the superbowl you may have a value of "overcoming adversity" or "competitiveness".
If you have knots in your stomach when your bills arrive in the mail you may have a value of "security" or "abundance" that is not being honored by your current situation.
Use these high and low experiences to identify some of your strongest values. When you see the same ones showing up from various high and low experiences notice and identify the value. To the extent that you are honoring that value in your life, you are likely living well. To the extent that you are disregarding that value, you are likely frustrated, depressed, bored or angry in life.
There is no such thing as a lack of time. Only a lack of priorities." - Timothy Ferris
Time Keeps on Ticking - Part I
I am all about trying to get my clients to run toward their passions. Notice I said "run", not "walk" or "crawl". There's a really big reason for that. Time is a wastin'! For most mid-lifers one of the overwhelming senses you are having is how "fast" time is moving all of a sudden. You say things like "9/11 was a decade ago?" "The kids are going back to school already?" or "Oh my God she is turning 9 this year???" Let's face it, the older we get the faster time seems to travel. We blink and we are 40. We fear what the next blink will bring with it. Well, if that is the case, what are we to take from that? What would someone who is consciously and intentionally trying to design a life of fulfillment, purpose and meaning take from the fact that time is moving very quickly? Here's what I think we have to take from it:
1) "Someday" is right now.
"Someday" is a killer. It kills dreams, hopes, experiences, relationships, businesses, and health. Take a moment to think about the things you put on "someday" in your youth that you now feel you are unable to do. . . . ever. You are lying to yourself if you think the things you are saying "someday" about now are any different.
2) Ultimately, the measure of your happiness and fulfillment is going to be how much of that time you spend doing what you love, and being with who you love.
Write down 5 things you absolutely love doing or would love to do. Now write a separate list of 5 things you believe you "have to do" but really don't "want to do". Take an hour. 60 minutes. Now imagine that one hour, spent three different ways, doing the things on each of your lists. So there are three options:
A) You spend 15 minutes doing the things on the "passion list" and 45 minutes on the "have to" list.
B) You spend 30 minutes doing the things on the "passion list" and 30 minutes on the "have to list".
C) You spend 45 minutes doing things on the "passion list" and 15 minutes on the "have to" list.
Well, which hour is best? It seems so logical and so simple that a fulfilling life is getting yourself to spend more time doing what you love. Yet, for the vast majority of people in this fast moving time in history, they are spending almost NO TIME in passions. Their entire life is living off of the "have to" list. That is a very dangerous place to live.
So here in part I we are defining the elements of fulfilling life. In summary they involve a few components:
1) The element of time
2) The element of passion
3) The element of obligation or "have to"
I don't live in fantasy land. I am well aware that you can't shirk off your "have to's". I hear thousands of collective "gremlins" shouting "but Joe, you don't know how much I have to do!!"
Yes. I do.
But you ask yourself honestly - If you continue to completely ignore your passions and loves in life just to meet your "to do list" will you look back on your life as one you were happy with? I am not asking you to disregard your children or stop paying your bills mind you. In fact, I'd like to think your children might just become one of the "passions" in your life and you may get to the point where you "pay your bills" with money you make from working in your passions!! THAT is the equation that makes a fulfilling and vibrant life.
Slowly, but surely, with a proper approach, you will fill your life minute by minute with passions. Your life will begin to revolve around what and who you love and there will become the moment of perfection - the point of intersection - the point that all truly fullfilling lives reach ultimately when YOUR "HAVE TO LIST" AND YOUR "PASSION LIST" ARE THE SAME!! At that intersection of obligation and passion is where the best hour in our example would be. A complete hour of passion. Extended out metaphorically, a complete life filled with passion. That is where we want to be. See that in your mind. Get that image. Its where you want to go. Feel what that would be like for a moment. Get the emotion that is going to drive you toward this vision. That is an unbelievable feeling isn't it? You get up every day when you choose to. You do what you want to do when you want to do it. Even at "work" you are doing something you would do for free. That's a fulfilling life. In future part of this series I will work on the details of how to get to this place. Until then, hold your focus on this vision of passion in your life from when you wake up to when you go to sleep.
"The ancestor to every action is a thought" - Ralph Waldo Emerson
1) "Someday" is right now.
"Someday" is a killer. It kills dreams, hopes, experiences, relationships, businesses, and health. Take a moment to think about the things you put on "someday" in your youth that you now feel you are unable to do. . . . ever. You are lying to yourself if you think the things you are saying "someday" about now are any different.
2) Ultimately, the measure of your happiness and fulfillment is going to be how much of that time you spend doing what you love, and being with who you love.
Write down 5 things you absolutely love doing or would love to do. Now write a separate list of 5 things you believe you "have to do" but really don't "want to do". Take an hour. 60 minutes. Now imagine that one hour, spent three different ways, doing the things on each of your lists. So there are three options:
A) You spend 15 minutes doing the things on the "passion list" and 45 minutes on the "have to" list.
B) You spend 30 minutes doing the things on the "passion list" and 30 minutes on the "have to list".
C) You spend 45 minutes doing things on the "passion list" and 15 minutes on the "have to" list.
Well, which hour is best? It seems so logical and so simple that a fulfilling life is getting yourself to spend more time doing what you love. Yet, for the vast majority of people in this fast moving time in history, they are spending almost NO TIME in passions. Their entire life is living off of the "have to" list. That is a very dangerous place to live.
So here in part I we are defining the elements of fulfilling life. In summary they involve a few components:
1) The element of time
2) The element of passion
3) The element of obligation or "have to"
I don't live in fantasy land. I am well aware that you can't shirk off your "have to's". I hear thousands of collective "gremlins" shouting "but Joe, you don't know how much I have to do!!"
Yes. I do.
But you ask yourself honestly - If you continue to completely ignore your passions and loves in life just to meet your "to do list" will you look back on your life as one you were happy with? I am not asking you to disregard your children or stop paying your bills mind you. In fact, I'd like to think your children might just become one of the "passions" in your life and you may get to the point where you "pay your bills" with money you make from working in your passions!! THAT is the equation that makes a fulfilling and vibrant life.
Slowly, but surely, with a proper approach, you will fill your life minute by minute with passions. Your life will begin to revolve around what and who you love and there will become the moment of perfection - the point of intersection - the point that all truly fullfilling lives reach ultimately when YOUR "HAVE TO LIST" AND YOUR "PASSION LIST" ARE THE SAME!! At that intersection of obligation and passion is where the best hour in our example would be. A complete hour of passion. Extended out metaphorically, a complete life filled with passion. That is where we want to be. See that in your mind. Get that image. Its where you want to go. Feel what that would be like for a moment. Get the emotion that is going to drive you toward this vision. That is an unbelievable feeling isn't it? You get up every day when you choose to. You do what you want to do when you want to do it. Even at "work" you are doing something you would do for free. That's a fulfilling life. In future part of this series I will work on the details of how to get to this place. Until then, hold your focus on this vision of passion in your life from when you wake up to when you go to sleep.
"The ancestor to every action is a thought" - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Monday, July 5, 2010
THE LESSON OF "VIRGIL"
"What a man can be, he must be" - Abraham Maslow.
My father, who was one of the last cases of polio in the United States spent his entire life in a wheelchair. He lived in a highrise apartment building about a mile away from my home throughout his mid-fifties. I would visit him and I was so blessed to spend every Tuesday night and most weekends discussing philosophy, spirituality and the "meaning of life" with my Dad who I saw as a spiritual giant.
I never really cared for his building, however. But it did have elevators. He didn't have to take out his own trash, there were night attendants and mailroom clerks that took good care of Dad and he didn't have to maintain a yard. He lived on the eighth floor so he had a nice view of the Philadelphia skyline along with a spacious balcony where I would often find him meditating or in prayer. My only real opposition to the building was the age of all the other residents.
Apparently my father wasn't the only one who chose the building for its disability-friendly amenities. It appeared to me that Dad was by far the youngest Tenant in the building.
My Dad engaged everyone he met. He was the quintessential "people person". He never chose awkward silence in an elevator over the potential of sparking up a conversation with his next great spiritual teacher! He knew his neighbors and they knew him.
One day, as Dad wheeled himself onto the elevator he noticed a quiet elderly man standing in the corner. Dad greeted him with a smile as the elevator doors closed. The man returned the greeting with a warm smile of his own. As Dad went to press 8 on the elevator panel he noticed it had already been activated. He turned to the elderly man and asked "you live on 8?".
"Yep", the man replied.
Dad, surprised that he didn't know one of his neighbors asked inquisitively, "when did you move in?"
"bout' two years ago" came the reply.
The elevator doors opened and the men exited and turned the same corner and began down the same corridor. The elderly man stopped at 804. My Dad lived in 809.
"You've lived in this apartment for two years sir?" Dad asked, shocked that he had never even seen this gentleman before today.
"Sure have, and the name is 'Virgil'", as he reached out and shook Dad's hand.
"Pete. Pleasure is all mine. Sorry for pestering you with the questions Virgil but I am shocked that I have never met you and we are literally across the hall from each other", Dad said almost apologizing.
"Well, Pete, I don't get out of the house that much. I am an artist ya know!" Virgil said, his face filling with pride. "Wanna see something?"
Dad never passing up an opportunity to "see something" said "Sure!".
Virgil after fiddling with his key for a moment, opened his apartment door and motioned to Dad to come in. Dad entered the apartment and noticed it was a small studio with a kitchenette. A bed with a white sheet on it was in the corner of the room and every occupiable inch of space besides that bed was filled with art or instruments of art. There were oil paintings, drawings, sketches, etchings, eisels, paint cans, and brushes everywhere. Dozens of pieces of art were on the walls, laying on the floor, leaning against countertops and stacked one on top of another. Landscapes, portraits, and every other concievable imaginative creation filled this tiny place.
"Wow! Virgil, you weren't kidding when you said you were an artist! This is incredible work!" Dad exclaimed.
Virgil got ten years younger from the excitement. Someone was appreciating his art and he could hardly contain his joy. "Would you like a piece, Pete?" Virgil asked, his voice filled with hope.
"Oh, no I couldn't" Dad said, his mind racing with how much art like this must cost.
"I insist, its a gift!" Virgil said, "how bout' this one, it was one of my first ever" and he handed dad a frame with what appeared to be a photograph of a persian cat in it. Dad grasped the frame and upon closer inspection realized it wasn't a photograph at all. It was a piece of metal that was etched with thousands of intricate lines. From 2 feet away it looked like a photograph of a cat. From two inches away it looked like indecipherable scratches on a car door. It was incredible. Virgil beamed as he watched Dad stare in awe at his creation.
Dad began making his way toward the door with his gift and said "Virgil, your amazingly talented, thank you so much for the gift. It's beautiful."
Just as Dad had gotten halfway through the door into the hall, Virgil exclaimed "I didn't know I could do this!"
"Do what?" Dad asked, slowing the momentum of his wheelchair with his thumbs.
With a distinct tremble to his voice Virgil looked down at the carpet and said:
"I moved here two years ago after my wife died. My kids have families of their own now and I was lonely. I was bored. As a young man I worked two jobs to take care of my family. I served in a world war. I just didn't have any time for hobbies" His eyes began to well up with tears and his voice took on an even shakier tone.
"I spent the last year of Sarah's life taking care of her and when she died, I moved here and just watched TV all the time. It was horrible. About 8 months ago I tried to draw something. I'm 85 years old and I only realized 8 months ago that I am an artist. I've been working every minute since, trying to fit a lifetime of purpose into the remaining days of my life. My wife of 62 years who knew me better than anyone on earth didn't know I could do this. I never made her a single painting. I now have twenty paintings of her though" as he motioned to a stunning portrait of a beautiful young woman hanging on his far wall. "I just didn't know myself. I was just too busy to even find out who I was" he said, the pain now visibly palpable on his face.
Virgil died 2 months later. Dad died 8 months after that. That picture of the persian cat is a constant reminder that we must find out who we really are. Not "someday". Not when the conditions are perfect. Not when all the bills are paid. Right now. This very instant.
"'Someday' is a disease that will take your dreams to the grave with you." Timothy Ferriss
My father, who was one of the last cases of polio in the United States spent his entire life in a wheelchair. He lived in a highrise apartment building about a mile away from my home throughout his mid-fifties. I would visit him and I was so blessed to spend every Tuesday night and most weekends discussing philosophy, spirituality and the "meaning of life" with my Dad who I saw as a spiritual giant.
I never really cared for his building, however. But it did have elevators. He didn't have to take out his own trash, there were night attendants and mailroom clerks that took good care of Dad and he didn't have to maintain a yard. He lived on the eighth floor so he had a nice view of the Philadelphia skyline along with a spacious balcony where I would often find him meditating or in prayer. My only real opposition to the building was the age of all the other residents.
Apparently my father wasn't the only one who chose the building for its disability-friendly amenities. It appeared to me that Dad was by far the youngest Tenant in the building.
My Dad engaged everyone he met. He was the quintessential "people person". He never chose awkward silence in an elevator over the potential of sparking up a conversation with his next great spiritual teacher! He knew his neighbors and they knew him.
One day, as Dad wheeled himself onto the elevator he noticed a quiet elderly man standing in the corner. Dad greeted him with a smile as the elevator doors closed. The man returned the greeting with a warm smile of his own. As Dad went to press 8 on the elevator panel he noticed it had already been activated. He turned to the elderly man and asked "you live on 8?".
"Yep", the man replied.
Dad, surprised that he didn't know one of his neighbors asked inquisitively, "when did you move in?"
"bout' two years ago" came the reply.
The elevator doors opened and the men exited and turned the same corner and began down the same corridor. The elderly man stopped at 804. My Dad lived in 809.
"You've lived in this apartment for two years sir?" Dad asked, shocked that he had never even seen this gentleman before today.
"Sure have, and the name is 'Virgil'", as he reached out and shook Dad's hand.
"Pete. Pleasure is all mine. Sorry for pestering you with the questions Virgil but I am shocked that I have never met you and we are literally across the hall from each other", Dad said almost apologizing.
"Well, Pete, I don't get out of the house that much. I am an artist ya know!" Virgil said, his face filling with pride. "Wanna see something?"
Dad never passing up an opportunity to "see something" said "Sure!".
Virgil after fiddling with his key for a moment, opened his apartment door and motioned to Dad to come in. Dad entered the apartment and noticed it was a small studio with a kitchenette. A bed with a white sheet on it was in the corner of the room and every occupiable inch of space besides that bed was filled with art or instruments of art. There were oil paintings, drawings, sketches, etchings, eisels, paint cans, and brushes everywhere. Dozens of pieces of art were on the walls, laying on the floor, leaning against countertops and stacked one on top of another. Landscapes, portraits, and every other concievable imaginative creation filled this tiny place.
"Wow! Virgil, you weren't kidding when you said you were an artist! This is incredible work!" Dad exclaimed.
Virgil got ten years younger from the excitement. Someone was appreciating his art and he could hardly contain his joy. "Would you like a piece, Pete?" Virgil asked, his voice filled with hope.
"Oh, no I couldn't" Dad said, his mind racing with how much art like this must cost.
"I insist, its a gift!" Virgil said, "how bout' this one, it was one of my first ever" and he handed dad a frame with what appeared to be a photograph of a persian cat in it. Dad grasped the frame and upon closer inspection realized it wasn't a photograph at all. It was a piece of metal that was etched with thousands of intricate lines. From 2 feet away it looked like a photograph of a cat. From two inches away it looked like indecipherable scratches on a car door. It was incredible. Virgil beamed as he watched Dad stare in awe at his creation.
Dad began making his way toward the door with his gift and said "Virgil, your amazingly talented, thank you so much for the gift. It's beautiful."
Just as Dad had gotten halfway through the door into the hall, Virgil exclaimed "I didn't know I could do this!"
"Do what?" Dad asked, slowing the momentum of his wheelchair with his thumbs.
With a distinct tremble to his voice Virgil looked down at the carpet and said:
"I moved here two years ago after my wife died. My kids have families of their own now and I was lonely. I was bored. As a young man I worked two jobs to take care of my family. I served in a world war. I just didn't have any time for hobbies" His eyes began to well up with tears and his voice took on an even shakier tone.
"I spent the last year of Sarah's life taking care of her and when she died, I moved here and just watched TV all the time. It was horrible. About 8 months ago I tried to draw something. I'm 85 years old and I only realized 8 months ago that I am an artist. I've been working every minute since, trying to fit a lifetime of purpose into the remaining days of my life. My wife of 62 years who knew me better than anyone on earth didn't know I could do this. I never made her a single painting. I now have twenty paintings of her though" as he motioned to a stunning portrait of a beautiful young woman hanging on his far wall. "I just didn't know myself. I was just too busy to even find out who I was" he said, the pain now visibly palpable on his face.
Virgil died 2 months later. Dad died 8 months after that. That picture of the persian cat is a constant reminder that we must find out who we really are. Not "someday". Not when the conditions are perfect. Not when all the bills are paid. Right now. This very instant.
"'Someday' is a disease that will take your dreams to the grave with you." Timothy Ferriss
Saturday, June 26, 2010
WHO ARE YOU?
What work I have done I have done because it was play. If it had been work, I shouldn't have done it. Who was it who said "Blessed is the man who has found his work"? Whoever it was, he had the right idea in his mind. Mark you, he says "his work" -- not "somebody else's work".The work that is really a man's own work is play and not work at all. Cursed is the man who found some other man's work and cannot lose it. When we talk about the great workers of the world we are really talking about the great players of the world. The fellows who groan and sweat under the weary load of toil that they bear never can hope to do anything great. How can they when their souls are in a ferment of revolt against the employment of their hands and brains? The product of slavery, intellectual, or physical can never be great
- Mark Twain
When you ask yourself "who am I", is your answer an occupation? A role? A conglomeration of prior life experiences? If so, then you may very well be doing something in your life that you don't really feel like you "chose". If you describe who you are in terms of what you have "become", I would ask that you start rethinking the answer to the question "who are you?". One of the most painful mid-life experiences my clients face is the realization that they aren't doing or being what they were really born to be or do. When we see someone doing what they were born to do we usually see greatness. Its inescapable. When we watch Lebron James dunk a basketball, or Celine Dion sing on stage we don't just see greatness. We see the intersection of passion and talent. Celine Dion painting houses, or Lebron James driving a truck would be a travesty. And I'd venture to guess that such a life wouldn't be nearly as fulfilling to each of them.
Not because they are rich and famous either. But because they wouldn't be doing what they were destined to be doing. They wouldn't be there authentic selves.
Well, your life is no different than theirs. Your talents and passions may be very different. But where your talent and your passions intersect is where you have to be for you to live a fulfilling second half of life. Unfortunately, far too many people are living in lives where they have no passion for what they do and often aren't very talented in the field they are in. I am shocked at the number of people who are doing their current occupation almost completely by accident. They got good or not so good grades in school. They had a certain type of parents who encouraged a certain course of employment. They met a friend who liked their job and "got them in" to the field. They "just needed to make some money" so they responded to the ad. And what happened next? ...They either got comfortable or they got trapped as their income rose. Now they feel like they can't leave and "start over" because of "obligations". This is the exact fate that Mark Twain describes as "slavery" in the quote at the opening of this post. Its a form of soul death to be doing "work" everyday that is inconsistent with who you really are. Its ineffficient for our society. Its poisonous to you. But the opposite is also true! Doing what you truly enjoy and getting paid for it is an enormous component to a fulfilling second half of life.
If you are not doing what you were destined to do, then you are just acting. If you are acting your life has certain characteristics. You are likely staring at a clock every day at your job. You are always looking for the weekend or the next vacation. You start getting a feeling of dread on Sunday afternoon when you think about your workweek starting tomorrow. Monday's are horrible. You do just as much as you can "get away" with at work. You literally, have a life outside of your job and the time within it is just time being burnt away. What a horrible fate and one that I would encourage every single one of my clients to avoid or change. Its one of my favorite things to work on with clients because I believe it is one of the greatest ways to increase fulfillment in life. When you love what you do for a living, you never work a day in your life.
Remember this, it is actually easier to be who you really are than to act everyday like someone else. So if you are really a poet but your job title says your an accountant, all the accounting in the world isn't going to actually make you an accountant. A real accountant loves accounting. A poet acting like an accountant is likely just going to be a bad accountant. It is much more natural to be who you already are. The big paradox here is most people fail to be who they really are for "fear of failure" when in reality you are much more likely to "fail" pretending to be something your not. In fact, when you really think about it, you can't fail to be who you really are!
So how do we get on the path of becoming who we really are? The starting point is asking a simple question. "What would I do if I knew there was no way to fail?" Another great question is "What would I do if money wasn't an object?" These two questions will likely immediately bring forth some great emotions of excitement and passion. Feel them. Take them in. Your entire life can feel like that if you simply align what you "do" with who you "are".
Its incredibly to think about how we as human beings are so far behind the rest of the natural world in this regard. We don't see squirrels frustratingly trying to "be fish". We don't see oak trees struggling to sprout pretty blossoms so they can "be flowers". Lions aren't pounding their paws on the ground in frustration at not being able to fly so they can "be birds". Nature is perfect at peace with what it "is" and as a result all these beings are "perfect" at doing and being what they truly are. We humans, with all of our potential to experience ourselves make the horrible mistake of allowing our childhoods, or parents, or socio-economic status or education to determine for us who we "are" when all along it is right inside us just waiting to come forth!
Next post, I am going to give you an example of the tragic fate of disregardng who you really are. I am going to tell you the story of "Virgil". Until then spend time today thinking about who you "really are".
If you follow your bliss, you put yourself on a kind of track that has been there all the while, waiting for you, and the life that you ought to be living is the one you are living. When you can see that, you begin to meet people who are in your field of bliss, and they open doors to you. I say, follow your bliss and don't be afraid, and doors will open where you didn't know they were going to be.
-Joseph Campbell
- Mark Twain
When you ask yourself "who am I", is your answer an occupation? A role? A conglomeration of prior life experiences? If so, then you may very well be doing something in your life that you don't really feel like you "chose". If you describe who you are in terms of what you have "become", I would ask that you start rethinking the answer to the question "who are you?". One of the most painful mid-life experiences my clients face is the realization that they aren't doing or being what they were really born to be or do. When we see someone doing what they were born to do we usually see greatness. Its inescapable. When we watch Lebron James dunk a basketball, or Celine Dion sing on stage we don't just see greatness. We see the intersection of passion and talent. Celine Dion painting houses, or Lebron James driving a truck would be a travesty. And I'd venture to guess that such a life wouldn't be nearly as fulfilling to each of them.
Not because they are rich and famous either. But because they wouldn't be doing what they were destined to be doing. They wouldn't be there authentic selves.
Well, your life is no different than theirs. Your talents and passions may be very different. But where your talent and your passions intersect is where you have to be for you to live a fulfilling second half of life. Unfortunately, far too many people are living in lives where they have no passion for what they do and often aren't very talented in the field they are in. I am shocked at the number of people who are doing their current occupation almost completely by accident. They got good or not so good grades in school. They had a certain type of parents who encouraged a certain course of employment. They met a friend who liked their job and "got them in" to the field. They "just needed to make some money" so they responded to the ad. And what happened next? ...They either got comfortable or they got trapped as their income rose. Now they feel like they can't leave and "start over" because of "obligations". This is the exact fate that Mark Twain describes as "slavery" in the quote at the opening of this post. Its a form of soul death to be doing "work" everyday that is inconsistent with who you really are. Its ineffficient for our society. Its poisonous to you. But the opposite is also true! Doing what you truly enjoy and getting paid for it is an enormous component to a fulfilling second half of life.
If you are not doing what you were destined to do, then you are just acting. If you are acting your life has certain characteristics. You are likely staring at a clock every day at your job. You are always looking for the weekend or the next vacation. You start getting a feeling of dread on Sunday afternoon when you think about your workweek starting tomorrow. Monday's are horrible. You do just as much as you can "get away" with at work. You literally, have a life outside of your job and the time within it is just time being burnt away. What a horrible fate and one that I would encourage every single one of my clients to avoid or change. Its one of my favorite things to work on with clients because I believe it is one of the greatest ways to increase fulfillment in life. When you love what you do for a living, you never work a day in your life.
Remember this, it is actually easier to be who you really are than to act everyday like someone else. So if you are really a poet but your job title says your an accountant, all the accounting in the world isn't going to actually make you an accountant. A real accountant loves accounting. A poet acting like an accountant is likely just going to be a bad accountant. It is much more natural to be who you already are. The big paradox here is most people fail to be who they really are for "fear of failure" when in reality you are much more likely to "fail" pretending to be something your not. In fact, when you really think about it, you can't fail to be who you really are!
So how do we get on the path of becoming who we really are? The starting point is asking a simple question. "What would I do if I knew there was no way to fail?" Another great question is "What would I do if money wasn't an object?" These two questions will likely immediately bring forth some great emotions of excitement and passion. Feel them. Take them in. Your entire life can feel like that if you simply align what you "do" with who you "are".
Its incredibly to think about how we as human beings are so far behind the rest of the natural world in this regard. We don't see squirrels frustratingly trying to "be fish". We don't see oak trees struggling to sprout pretty blossoms so they can "be flowers". Lions aren't pounding their paws on the ground in frustration at not being able to fly so they can "be birds". Nature is perfect at peace with what it "is" and as a result all these beings are "perfect" at doing and being what they truly are. We humans, with all of our potential to experience ourselves make the horrible mistake of allowing our childhoods, or parents, or socio-economic status or education to determine for us who we "are" when all along it is right inside us just waiting to come forth!
Next post, I am going to give you an example of the tragic fate of disregardng who you really are. I am going to tell you the story of "Virgil". Until then spend time today thinking about who you "really are".
If you follow your bliss, you put yourself on a kind of track that has been there all the while, waiting for you, and the life that you ought to be living is the one you are living. When you can see that, you begin to meet people who are in your field of bliss, and they open doors to you. I say, follow your bliss and don't be afraid, and doors will open where you didn't know they were going to be.
-Joseph Campbell
Sunday, June 20, 2010
WHERE ARE YOU PUTTING YOUR TIME?
"There's no such thing as a lack of time. Only a lack of priorities." -
Tim Ferris
Author of "The 4 Hour Workweek"
The most powerful concepts are often the simplest. One of the first things I do with a client after working on getting them to focus on gratitude daily is take an inventory of how they spend their time. Its a crucial diagnostic test. Like checking the fluid levels in your car, or your blood pressure in a doctor's office, taking a "time inventory" will lead you to some incredible insights about the overall health of your life.
To re-design a life we have to unpack the current situation and see how we got where we are. Time inventory tells us exactly how we got here. Henry David Thoreau put it this way:
Its not enough to be busy. So are the ants. The question is what are we busy about?"
If you take an inventory of where you are spending your time and compare it to the quality of your life in specific areas you will undoubtedly see a correlation. Inventory your last two weeks and your next two weeks for a great example of why your life is exactly the way it is:
Health and Fitness - How much time are you spending on regular exercise, sleep, proper and nutrition planning?
Finances - How much time are you spending on adhering to your budget? Investing? Financial education?
Relationships - How much intentional time are you spending on increasing the quality of your relationships. This doesn't count time you are just in a room together but the time you spend thinking of ways to improve the relationship, being purposefully romantic with a spouse, intentionally teaching your children, or reaching out to old friends?
Career- How much time are you spending honing the skills that make you effective in your vocation? Or in researching alternative careers that are more aligned with your passions?
Dreams/passions/hobbies - How much time are you spending on things you love to do?
If like many midlifers you wake up after not getting enough sleep because an alarm clock tells you to, you can't "find time" to exercise, eat "fast" food because you don't "have time" to prepare meals that nourish and vitalize your body, "run" off to work, "run" to bring the kids to their activities and then collapse into escapism like television, beer, or internet surfing, your life has certain charactertistics to it. Your relationships are probably suffering. Your waist line is probably bigger than you want it to be, you're tired, and you feel unfulfilled.
If, on the other hand, you are intentionally placing your time in the areas that bring you to life, focusing on your health, your relationships, your finances and your dreams, you have a very different looking life. Its all a matter of where you intentionally place your focus.
EXERCISE:
Do a time inventory this week. Really identify exactly where your time is being spent. Then match up the largest percentages of the time you spend with the current outcomes that are manifesting in your life. Likewise, make a list of "problem areas" or areas you want to make changes in and then "reverse inventory" your time in those specific areas. So if you feel overweight, go back over the last month and see how much time you have spent on taking care of your body. If you feel your marriage is stagnant go back and take an honest appraisal of how much time you are spending on making that relationship magnificent. This exercise is usually quite illuminating as well as often dissappointing. Don't be too hard on yourself. This is a major step for you. By just becoming aware of this phenomenon you are living at a higher level. In upcoming posts we will discuss how to "carve" out time to reallocate it to our heart's desires as we work further on life design. After taking this honest time inventory we will start identifying "why" we are allocating time the way we are currently (you may be surprised when you find out the answer) and how we can start re-allocating time to construct a passionate and fulfilling life. Until then, focus on where you are spending your time and remember:
"He who chases two rabbits catches neither" - Goethe
Tim Ferris
Author of "The 4 Hour Workweek"
The most powerful concepts are often the simplest. One of the first things I do with a client after working on getting them to focus on gratitude daily is take an inventory of how they spend their time. Its a crucial diagnostic test. Like checking the fluid levels in your car, or your blood pressure in a doctor's office, taking a "time inventory" will lead you to some incredible insights about the overall health of your life.
To re-design a life we have to unpack the current situation and see how we got where we are. Time inventory tells us exactly how we got here. Henry David Thoreau put it this way:
Its not enough to be busy. So are the ants. The question is what are we busy about?"
If you take an inventory of where you are spending your time and compare it to the quality of your life in specific areas you will undoubtedly see a correlation. Inventory your last two weeks and your next two weeks for a great example of why your life is exactly the way it is:
Health and Fitness - How much time are you spending on regular exercise, sleep, proper and nutrition planning?
Finances - How much time are you spending on adhering to your budget? Investing? Financial education?
Relationships - How much intentional time are you spending on increasing the quality of your relationships. This doesn't count time you are just in a room together but the time you spend thinking of ways to improve the relationship, being purposefully romantic with a spouse, intentionally teaching your children, or reaching out to old friends?
Career- How much time are you spending honing the skills that make you effective in your vocation? Or in researching alternative careers that are more aligned with your passions?
Dreams/passions/hobbies - How much time are you spending on things you love to do?
If like many midlifers you wake up after not getting enough sleep because an alarm clock tells you to, you can't "find time" to exercise, eat "fast" food because you don't "have time" to prepare meals that nourish and vitalize your body, "run" off to work, "run" to bring the kids to their activities and then collapse into escapism like television, beer, or internet surfing, your life has certain charactertistics to it. Your relationships are probably suffering. Your waist line is probably bigger than you want it to be, you're tired, and you feel unfulfilled.
If, on the other hand, you are intentionally placing your time in the areas that bring you to life, focusing on your health, your relationships, your finances and your dreams, you have a very different looking life. Its all a matter of where you intentionally place your focus.
EXERCISE:
Do a time inventory this week. Really identify exactly where your time is being spent. Then match up the largest percentages of the time you spend with the current outcomes that are manifesting in your life. Likewise, make a list of "problem areas" or areas you want to make changes in and then "reverse inventory" your time in those specific areas. So if you feel overweight, go back over the last month and see how much time you have spent on taking care of your body. If you feel your marriage is stagnant go back and take an honest appraisal of how much time you are spending on making that relationship magnificent. This exercise is usually quite illuminating as well as often dissappointing. Don't be too hard on yourself. This is a major step for you. By just becoming aware of this phenomenon you are living at a higher level. In upcoming posts we will discuss how to "carve" out time to reallocate it to our heart's desires as we work further on life design. After taking this honest time inventory we will start identifying "why" we are allocating time the way we are currently (you may be surprised when you find out the answer) and how we can start re-allocating time to construct a passionate and fulfilling life. Until then, focus on where you are spending your time and remember:
"He who chases two rabbits catches neither" - Goethe
Thursday, June 10, 2010
LIVE IN THE PRESENT MOMENT
"You must live in the present, launch yourself on every wave, find your eternity in each moment. Fools stand on their island opportunities and look toward another land. There is no other land, there is no other life but this."
- Henry David Thoreau
We've all heard of the importance of "living in the present moment" but I believe most of us fail to really grasp how to apply that principle. It is an absolutely beautiful principle and one that can completely set you free from fear, anxiety and worry. After all, ask yourself what percentage of the problems you might worry about right now are actually happening RIGHT NOW? Unless your reading this book while being chased by a pitbull, the overwhelming likelihood is that whatever you could be worrying about right now, won't actually hurt you right now, but some time in the future. . . . MAYBE.
For every disaster you worry about occurring in the future, there is a corresponding potential miracle that can make it moot. Things have come and gone through your life so unexpectedly that you couldn't have possibly envisioned the vast majority of it.
One of the funniest things I have ever done was thumbing through my 1991 high school year book. In mine, there was a section where you fill out where you expected to be at 5 years, 10 years, 15 years and so on. I obviously found it quite amusing that at 18 years old I really believed it would only take 5 short years to marry the woman of my dreams (who of course I hadn't even met yet), become a millionaire navy fighter pilot (top gun was very popular and I had no idea what the Navy paid), and have two kids!! But what was much more interesting to me was when I began to contemplate it, I realized that there has NEVER been a time in my life where I could have accurately predicted where I would have been 5 years later. Not just the job I'd be doing, but where I'd be living, the divorce I would go through, the family members I'd lose suddenly, the coaching practice I would start. Try it. Go back five years and ask yourself whether you could have possibly seen exactly where you are today back then.
I remember the greatest birthday present I had ever given my father and how it became the greatest gift I ever gave myself. . .
I had a long history of buying my father birthday presents that he would want to return. Every year when Dad would open up my present he would start by asking "how much did you spend on this?" Then. . ."Where did you get this?". . . and finally "do you still have the receipt?" It wasn't that he didn't appreciate the effort, he just hated the idea of his kids spending money on something he may not actually use.
But in 2007 I was determined that this birthday would be different. I would finally buy dad a present that I thought he would want; not a present that I thought he should want! I bought him and I tickets to the King Tut exhibit in Philadelphia! He was a history buff and this was real history, right in our backyard! It would be perfect. During the week before his birthday weekend I went to buy the tickets online. I was going to actually go the following weekend for no reason other than I didn't really feel like going to 'a museum' this weekend and next weekend seemed like a few years away at the time. As fate would have it, I accidentally clicked the Sunday of dad's birthday weekend just 3 days away. I would have had to call someone to change it and that would have defeated the ease and simplicity of buying Dad's tickets online. So I just left it and figured I'd "get it out of the way". Nonetheless, I knew dad would love it, so I printed the tickets and put them in his card.
The following day I was bursting with excitement to see his face when I gave him these tickets. He started tearing at the envelope, flipped open the card, pulled out the tickets and said. . . .
"how much did you spend on these?"
Damn! Not only was I not really looking forward to going, but Dad didn't even want to go!
"When is this?", Dad asked hesitantly.
"Tomorrow! And we are going!", I snapped.
The next day my father and I had the best day I have ever spent with him. We spent the entire day together. We saw and experienced priceless pieces of ancient history. We learned all about this amazing civilization together. Our minds were expanded in multiple dimensions. We had dinner at our favorite diner and just enjoyed each other's company all day long. It was really a beautiful day for a father and son to experience together. . .
36 hours later, I was standing in the waiting room of Kennedy Memorial Hospital in the middle of the night listening to a doctor tell me that my father had died at 59 years old from a massive heart attack.
You have no idea what two minutes from now looks like. You also have no idea which relatively meaningless moments may become the most memorable and rich moments of your entire life. To this day, I thank God for my "accident" of clicking the "wrong" date on that website. Had I chosen the date that I wanted, the tickets would have been for the date that I buried my father. Your present moments are precious. They are beautifully precious. More than money. More than new cars, big houses and perfect careers. The present moment, the right now, the only time that really ever exists is right in your hand, but only for a moment.
"In rivers, the water that you touch is the last of what has passed and the first of that which comes; so with present time." - Leonardo Da Vinci
- Henry David Thoreau
We've all heard of the importance of "living in the present moment" but I believe most of us fail to really grasp how to apply that principle. It is an absolutely beautiful principle and one that can completely set you free from fear, anxiety and worry. After all, ask yourself what percentage of the problems you might worry about right now are actually happening RIGHT NOW? Unless your reading this book while being chased by a pitbull, the overwhelming likelihood is that whatever you could be worrying about right now, won't actually hurt you right now, but some time in the future. . . . MAYBE.
For every disaster you worry about occurring in the future, there is a corresponding potential miracle that can make it moot. Things have come and gone through your life so unexpectedly that you couldn't have possibly envisioned the vast majority of it.
One of the funniest things I have ever done was thumbing through my 1991 high school year book. In mine, there was a section where you fill out where you expected to be at 5 years, 10 years, 15 years and so on. I obviously found it quite amusing that at 18 years old I really believed it would only take 5 short years to marry the woman of my dreams (who of course I hadn't even met yet), become a millionaire navy fighter pilot (top gun was very popular and I had no idea what the Navy paid), and have two kids!! But what was much more interesting to me was when I began to contemplate it, I realized that there has NEVER been a time in my life where I could have accurately predicted where I would have been 5 years later. Not just the job I'd be doing, but where I'd be living, the divorce I would go through, the family members I'd lose suddenly, the coaching practice I would start. Try it. Go back five years and ask yourself whether you could have possibly seen exactly where you are today back then.
I remember the greatest birthday present I had ever given my father and how it became the greatest gift I ever gave myself. . .
I had a long history of buying my father birthday presents that he would want to return. Every year when Dad would open up my present he would start by asking "how much did you spend on this?" Then. . ."Where did you get this?". . . and finally "do you still have the receipt?" It wasn't that he didn't appreciate the effort, he just hated the idea of his kids spending money on something he may not actually use.
But in 2007 I was determined that this birthday would be different. I would finally buy dad a present that I thought he would want; not a present that I thought he should want! I bought him and I tickets to the King Tut exhibit in Philadelphia! He was a history buff and this was real history, right in our backyard! It would be perfect. During the week before his birthday weekend I went to buy the tickets online. I was going to actually go the following weekend for no reason other than I didn't really feel like going to 'a museum' this weekend and next weekend seemed like a few years away at the time. As fate would have it, I accidentally clicked the Sunday of dad's birthday weekend just 3 days away. I would have had to call someone to change it and that would have defeated the ease and simplicity of buying Dad's tickets online. So I just left it and figured I'd "get it out of the way". Nonetheless, I knew dad would love it, so I printed the tickets and put them in his card.
The following day I was bursting with excitement to see his face when I gave him these tickets. He started tearing at the envelope, flipped open the card, pulled out the tickets and said. . . .
"how much did you spend on these?"
Damn! Not only was I not really looking forward to going, but Dad didn't even want to go!
"When is this?", Dad asked hesitantly.
"Tomorrow! And we are going!", I snapped.
The next day my father and I had the best day I have ever spent with him. We spent the entire day together. We saw and experienced priceless pieces of ancient history. We learned all about this amazing civilization together. Our minds were expanded in multiple dimensions. We had dinner at our favorite diner and just enjoyed each other's company all day long. It was really a beautiful day for a father and son to experience together. . .
36 hours later, I was standing in the waiting room of Kennedy Memorial Hospital in the middle of the night listening to a doctor tell me that my father had died at 59 years old from a massive heart attack.
You have no idea what two minutes from now looks like. You also have no idea which relatively meaningless moments may become the most memorable and rich moments of your entire life. To this day, I thank God for my "accident" of clicking the "wrong" date on that website. Had I chosen the date that I wanted, the tickets would have been for the date that I buried my father. Your present moments are precious. They are beautifully precious. More than money. More than new cars, big houses and perfect careers. The present moment, the right now, the only time that really ever exists is right in your hand, but only for a moment.
"In rivers, the water that you touch is the last of what has passed and the first of that which comes; so with present time." - Leonardo Da Vinci
Monday, June 7, 2010
AN ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE
A lump is found, a rumor about layoffs is overheard, a note suggesting infidelity is discovered, a loved one is rushed to the emergency department. The world begins to shake. Everything that one moment ago was taken for granted in your life is now all you wish to have back. You percieve loss. You have a longing, a desire to simply return to that which existed just an instant before this scary event.
"Oh, how the entire world was perfect before x, y or z happened", you think! You start fearing the diagnosis, or the test result, or the board's action or whatever it is you are now dreading in your mind that is going to undo your perfect world - but wait a second! Your world wasn't perfect BEFORE this scary event happened was it?
After all, you were just complaining about the commute to work and how it was "killing you". You were just saying your husband never takes out the trash or helps with the dishes and now one minute after he is diagnosed with cancer, you don't care a bit about the dishes and would wash them yourself as he laid on the couch for the rest of your life without one single complaint .Just two days ago you yelled at your 6 year old for getting peanut butter on the new couch and now one day after being abducted you would let him smear peanut butter anywhere he wanted if he would just be returned to you. You were just one year ago complaining about how your parents were meddling and judgmental. Now that they have died you wish you could have them judge anything about you just one more time! Just last week you were complaining about your horrible boss and job. Today, one hour after the layoff rumors reached your ears, you're petrified about losing your "livelihood"!
Suddenly, we find our gratefulness when the test comes back benign, the child comes back home, we aren't on the list of layoffs, or our loved one just had a health "scare". Unfortunately our gratitude often dissappears just as swiftly as it came once the threat is removed. We live in a world where we have convinced ourselves that gratitude is outside of us. We wrongly believe it is something that happens to us, not something that flows from us. Just reading the sentence "your child has metastatic cancer" makes you want to go kiss all over them and tell them how much you love them and go put your entire world on the back burner to go play with them. Do you feel it? Can you sit right where you are and simply imagine losing that spouse your complaining about all the time? Not feeling his or her warm body next to you in bed each night? Do you feel it? Do you feel your gratitude rising?
Well nothing I just discussed really happened. All I did was stimulate your mind. Epictetus said, "He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has." Again, I do not believe you should go around imagining horrible things happening to your loved ones every day. I think that is an awful and disempowering practice that is completely contrary to all that I teach. I suggest these mental constructs only to show you the truth, which is your gratitude is available to you at all times. You and the rest of the "normal" world are taking everything in our lives for granted each and every day. You are waiting for the catastrophe to occur before recognizing how blissful you can be right now just in the smile of a healthy child, or the ability to eat dinner or sleep in a bed under a roof!!
You don't have to become homeless to appreciate having your home. You don't have to have a sick child to feel the absolute bliss of your own child's vibrant health. You don't have to get fired to appreciate having your income producing job. You don't have to get a fatal diagnosis to celebrate your own vitality!! This is available to you at all times. Due to the nature of decades of conditioning however, it is likely that in the beginning you will have to intentionally set aside time for gratefulness. It is possible that you will have to invoke the thought of loss temporarily in the beginning until you learn to bring that beautiful overwhelming feeling of gratitude to your awareness whenever you want. But once you have trained yourself to find gratefulness in the absence of threatened loss you have risen to a level beyond "normal". You have transformed your mind and accordingly your entire life. Imagine what a life marked by a state of constant gratitude looks like for a moment.
Melodie Beattie puts it this way:
Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarity.... It turns problems into gifts, failures into success, the unexpected into perfect timing, and mistakes into important events. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow.
With a new found committment to cultivating gratitude in your life, that which was so "bothersome" dissolves automatically. You cannot feel fear and gratitude simultaneously. You cannot feel scarcity or lack and gratitude simultaneously. An attitude of gratitude energizes you. It invokes deep feelings of love and appreciation in you. It makes you kinder to those around you. Being intentionally grateful every single day will make you a happier person. Period.
Eventually my clients all learn that intentional gratitude every single day is a cornerstone of my approach to a happier and healthier life. But like all of the principles I teach, overcoming longstanding thought patterns is easier said than done. At first we must awkwardly carve out time and space to apply our principles. Over time, like all habits, gratitude will become something you do automatically. It will shift from something you do, to something you are. First you will practice gratitude and eventually you will become a grateful person. So until you have conditioned your thoughts intentionally, create a list of things you are grateful for and use the "nightmare scenarios" I discussed in this post to jog your conditioned thoughts into a state of gratitude. Don't dwell on the nightmare scenario. Just invoke, it and become grateful for what is not happening. Be grateful for what you do have. Be grateful for what you aren't facing right now. Be grateful for what is absolutely perfect right now. Every day, look at your list. Eventually, you will summon deep seeded gratitude on command. When you do you will be on your way to a much richer and fulfilling life.
"Oh, how the entire world was perfect before x, y or z happened", you think! You start fearing the diagnosis, or the test result, or the board's action or whatever it is you are now dreading in your mind that is going to undo your perfect world - but wait a second! Your world wasn't perfect BEFORE this scary event happened was it?
After all, you were just complaining about the commute to work and how it was "killing you". You were just saying your husband never takes out the trash or helps with the dishes and now one minute after he is diagnosed with cancer, you don't care a bit about the dishes and would wash them yourself as he laid on the couch for the rest of your life without one single complaint .Just two days ago you yelled at your 6 year old for getting peanut butter on the new couch and now one day after being abducted you would let him smear peanut butter anywhere he wanted if he would just be returned to you. You were just one year ago complaining about how your parents were meddling and judgmental. Now that they have died you wish you could have them judge anything about you just one more time! Just last week you were complaining about your horrible boss and job. Today, one hour after the layoff rumors reached your ears, you're petrified about losing your "livelihood"!
Suddenly, we find our gratefulness when the test comes back benign, the child comes back home, we aren't on the list of layoffs, or our loved one just had a health "scare". Unfortunately our gratitude often dissappears just as swiftly as it came once the threat is removed. We live in a world where we have convinced ourselves that gratitude is outside of us. We wrongly believe it is something that happens to us, not something that flows from us. Just reading the sentence "your child has metastatic cancer" makes you want to go kiss all over them and tell them how much you love them and go put your entire world on the back burner to go play with them. Do you feel it? Can you sit right where you are and simply imagine losing that spouse your complaining about all the time? Not feeling his or her warm body next to you in bed each night? Do you feel it? Do you feel your gratitude rising?
Well nothing I just discussed really happened. All I did was stimulate your mind. Epictetus said, "He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has." Again, I do not believe you should go around imagining horrible things happening to your loved ones every day. I think that is an awful and disempowering practice that is completely contrary to all that I teach. I suggest these mental constructs only to show you the truth, which is your gratitude is available to you at all times. You and the rest of the "normal" world are taking everything in our lives for granted each and every day. You are waiting for the catastrophe to occur before recognizing how blissful you can be right now just in the smile of a healthy child, or the ability to eat dinner or sleep in a bed under a roof!!
You don't have to become homeless to appreciate having your home. You don't have to have a sick child to feel the absolute bliss of your own child's vibrant health. You don't have to get fired to appreciate having your income producing job. You don't have to get a fatal diagnosis to celebrate your own vitality!! This is available to you at all times. Due to the nature of decades of conditioning however, it is likely that in the beginning you will have to intentionally set aside time for gratefulness. It is possible that you will have to invoke the thought of loss temporarily in the beginning until you learn to bring that beautiful overwhelming feeling of gratitude to your awareness whenever you want. But once you have trained yourself to find gratefulness in the absence of threatened loss you have risen to a level beyond "normal". You have transformed your mind and accordingly your entire life. Imagine what a life marked by a state of constant gratitude looks like for a moment.
Melodie Beattie puts it this way:
Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarity.... It turns problems into gifts, failures into success, the unexpected into perfect timing, and mistakes into important events. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow.
With a new found committment to cultivating gratitude in your life, that which was so "bothersome" dissolves automatically. You cannot feel fear and gratitude simultaneously. You cannot feel scarcity or lack and gratitude simultaneously. An attitude of gratitude energizes you. It invokes deep feelings of love and appreciation in you. It makes you kinder to those around you. Being intentionally grateful every single day will make you a happier person. Period.
Eventually my clients all learn that intentional gratitude every single day is a cornerstone of my approach to a happier and healthier life. But like all of the principles I teach, overcoming longstanding thought patterns is easier said than done. At first we must awkwardly carve out time and space to apply our principles. Over time, like all habits, gratitude will become something you do automatically. It will shift from something you do, to something you are. First you will practice gratitude and eventually you will become a grateful person. So until you have conditioned your thoughts intentionally, create a list of things you are grateful for and use the "nightmare scenarios" I discussed in this post to jog your conditioned thoughts into a state of gratitude. Don't dwell on the nightmare scenario. Just invoke, it and become grateful for what is not happening. Be grateful for what you do have. Be grateful for what you aren't facing right now. Be grateful for what is absolutely perfect right now. Every day, look at your list. Eventually, you will summon deep seeded gratitude on command. When you do you will be on your way to a much richer and fulfilling life.
TAKING RESPONSIBILITY
I have to admit this lesson continues to be hard for me to apply in my own life from time to time. But this week as I was thinking about what I thought would be a good foundational principle to discuss in this blog and with my clients, I came across a teaching example too good to pass up.
I was flipping between ESPN and CNN as I often do. On ESPN there was the story of Jim Joyce and Armando Galarraga. Galarraga had pitched a perfect game (no walks, no hits, no runs) 2/3rds of the way through the final inning of the game. For those of you unfamiliar with baseball history, to put this in perspective, every baseball team in the majors plays over one hundred games a year. There are over 30 teams. And the league has been around for 135 years. I won't even try to do all that math but suffice it to say that is alot of baseball games. Ya know how many times a perfect game has occurred in those 135 years? 20 times. 20 times in the entire history of the league. . . and Armando Galarraga needed just one out to join that list.
A sharp well hit ball was fielded by the second baseman and thrown to first for the historic out. It was a close call, but instant replay showed the batter was out by a good half a step. But Veteran Umpire Jim Joyce called him safe . . . and history was re-written. . . and Galarraga's monumental moment evaporated, in all likelihood forever.
Bad calls happen all the time. But there is a pretty strong concensus that this was one of the worst calls in the history of the league. So bad, with consequences so profound (particularly for Galarraga), that the commissioner of baseball considered overturning the umpire to give Galarraga the perfect game. (he didn't however).
What was more interesting to me than the enormity of this foul-up was the response by the individual who made the history changing mistake. Within hours of this nightmare of a blown call and within minutes of seeing it on replay, Umpire Jim Joyce went to Galarraga in tears and apologized for his mistake. As soon as the media asked its first scathing question (complete with bitter sarcasm and an accusatory tone of course), Joyce completely diffused the attack by saying simply " I cost that kid a perfect game". No senate investigations, no truth-finding mission, no committee to evaluate the evidence. He admitted his mistake and there was nothing else to say. Jim Joyce did something that shouldn't have caught my attention so easily. After all, all he did was take responsibility.
This story got national attention and not just in the sports world either. It got national attention because we as a society aren't used to seeing this anymore. In fact, its when I flipped back to CNN that I saw what we are used to seeing. I saw Tony Hayward, CEO of BP Oil responding to questions about his oil rig causing the biggest environmental disaster in US history. Here are some of the things the CEO of the company whose oil is filling the ocean at several thousand barrels a day for almost two months straight with no end in sight said:
"It wasn't our accident".
"We'll clean it up but the rig was run by Transocean"
"We have a terrific safety record"
"This device isn't failure proof"
At midlife we have a way of looking at the state of our life and assigning blame to what we don't like. Its usually around this time in life when people have the "breakthrough" moment and realize they are the way they are because of their childhood, their parents, their children, their genes, their teachers, their role models, their spouse, their ethnicity, or their gender. Its this time of life when people suddenly "realize" they need to have an affair because their spouse isn't who they thought they were or its time to quit the job without a plan and "live" for the first time. These "crises" events occur in no small part because of a failure to take responsibility for the state of our lives at mid-life. Unfortunately, far too often this failure to take responsibility leads directly to repeat patterns of disillusionment and ultimately dissappointment as we realize that we take ourselves with us when we leave! Suddenly, the new exciting relationship that replaced our spouse leaves us with similar problems. The new career is still "work". The harley davidson you bought on credit may have helped you feel younger, but you aren't and now you're just further from being able to retire.
Taking responsibility, on the other hand, is a foundational step toward changing things. Once you realize that YOU created this life it is much easier to understand that YOU are completely capable of changing it. When you are the victim of circumstances it is psychologically incongruent to also believe you can change those circumstances. Without that belief you will always have someone to blame and as a result you will also remain powerless to change your life. Taking responsibility for your life is an absolute MUST if you are going to realize real transformation in your life.
As Lou Holtz said perfectly "the man who complains about the way the ball bounces is probably the man who dropped it."
What have you been accepting as a "fact of life"? What have you been blaming on others rather than taking personal responsibility? What have you been looking outside of yourself for rather than looking inward to how you respond to situations? Maybe its time to identify those things that you have not taken responsibility for. Maybe its time to look at that marriage and ask yourself "what am I doing to create this reality?" Maybe its time to look at your waist and ask yourself "did I do this?" When you start laying claim to your life and your incredible power over it, you won't fall deep into guilt and resentment like you fear. To the contrary, there is nothing to worry about once you lay claim to what's within your power. As Wayner Dyer puts it" there's only two things in this world to worry about: things you can control and things you can't control. There's no point in worrying about things you can control because. . . well, you control them. There's also no point in worrying about what you can't control because . . .well, you can't control them." That leaves nothing to worry about. Your focus moves to exactly where it should. Those things you can actually change.
Make a list of those things you need to take responsibility for and start invoking your power by identifying what in each circumstance you can control. A good list to start is:
1) Relationships
2) Finances
3) Career
4) Living your principles
5) Engaging in activities you are passionate about
6) Health and fitness
List the things as they exist. Be brutally honest. Identify what you have done or failed to do that contributed to the current state of things in each category and then list the things you can control about each situation and exactly how you are going to make positive changes moving forward. If you do this for a few weeks, your entire life will begin to change. You will find yourself shifting your psychology. You won't speak about the faults of your wife that make your relationship intolerable but instead you will speak of what you are doing every day to fill that relationship with romance and passion.
Instead of looking in the mirror and feeling the shame of a badly out of shape body that you blame on genes, your busy life, or fast food chains, you will assess your current state of ill-health and identify what you have done to create this state and exactly what you are going to start doing to change the situation.
Congratulations, if this is a new awareness for you, you have just taken a quantum leap toward transforming your reality. Now make sure you apply this truth every single day. Create a 'responsibility log'. Practice saying " I am sorry" and "I made a mistake". Proclaim your power each morning by affirmatively stating "this day is what I will make of it" or read the following quote before you go out the door each day for a month:
"It is my daily mood that makes the weather. I possess tremendous power to make life miserable or joyous. I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration, I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal. In all situations, it is my response that decides whether a crisis is escalated or de-escalated, and a person is humanized or de-humanized. If we treat people as they are, we make them worse. If we treat people as they ought to be, we help them become what they are capable of becoming.”
— J. W. Goethe
GO LIVE ON PURPOSE!!
I was flipping between ESPN and CNN as I often do. On ESPN there was the story of Jim Joyce and Armando Galarraga. Galarraga had pitched a perfect game (no walks, no hits, no runs) 2/3rds of the way through the final inning of the game. For those of you unfamiliar with baseball history, to put this in perspective, every baseball team in the majors plays over one hundred games a year. There are over 30 teams. And the league has been around for 135 years. I won't even try to do all that math but suffice it to say that is alot of baseball games. Ya know how many times a perfect game has occurred in those 135 years? 20 times. 20 times in the entire history of the league. . . and Armando Galarraga needed just one out to join that list.
A sharp well hit ball was fielded by the second baseman and thrown to first for the historic out. It was a close call, but instant replay showed the batter was out by a good half a step. But Veteran Umpire Jim Joyce called him safe . . . and history was re-written. . . and Galarraga's monumental moment evaporated, in all likelihood forever.
Bad calls happen all the time. But there is a pretty strong concensus that this was one of the worst calls in the history of the league. So bad, with consequences so profound (particularly for Galarraga), that the commissioner of baseball considered overturning the umpire to give Galarraga the perfect game. (he didn't however).
What was more interesting to me than the enormity of this foul-up was the response by the individual who made the history changing mistake. Within hours of this nightmare of a blown call and within minutes of seeing it on replay, Umpire Jim Joyce went to Galarraga in tears and apologized for his mistake. As soon as the media asked its first scathing question (complete with bitter sarcasm and an accusatory tone of course), Joyce completely diffused the attack by saying simply " I cost that kid a perfect game". No senate investigations, no truth-finding mission, no committee to evaluate the evidence. He admitted his mistake and there was nothing else to say. Jim Joyce did something that shouldn't have caught my attention so easily. After all, all he did was take responsibility.
This story got national attention and not just in the sports world either. It got national attention because we as a society aren't used to seeing this anymore. In fact, its when I flipped back to CNN that I saw what we are used to seeing. I saw Tony Hayward, CEO of BP Oil responding to questions about his oil rig causing the biggest environmental disaster in US history. Here are some of the things the CEO of the company whose oil is filling the ocean at several thousand barrels a day for almost two months straight with no end in sight said:
"It wasn't our accident".
"We'll clean it up but the rig was run by Transocean"
"We have a terrific safety record"
"This device isn't failure proof"
At midlife we have a way of looking at the state of our life and assigning blame to what we don't like. Its usually around this time in life when people have the "breakthrough" moment and realize they are the way they are because of their childhood, their parents, their children, their genes, their teachers, their role models, their spouse, their ethnicity, or their gender. Its this time of life when people suddenly "realize" they need to have an affair because their spouse isn't who they thought they were or its time to quit the job without a plan and "live" for the first time. These "crises" events occur in no small part because of a failure to take responsibility for the state of our lives at mid-life. Unfortunately, far too often this failure to take responsibility leads directly to repeat patterns of disillusionment and ultimately dissappointment as we realize that we take ourselves with us when we leave! Suddenly, the new exciting relationship that replaced our spouse leaves us with similar problems. The new career is still "work". The harley davidson you bought on credit may have helped you feel younger, but you aren't and now you're just further from being able to retire.
Taking responsibility, on the other hand, is a foundational step toward changing things. Once you realize that YOU created this life it is much easier to understand that YOU are completely capable of changing it. When you are the victim of circumstances it is psychologically incongruent to also believe you can change those circumstances. Without that belief you will always have someone to blame and as a result you will also remain powerless to change your life. Taking responsibility for your life is an absolute MUST if you are going to realize real transformation in your life.
As Lou Holtz said perfectly "the man who complains about the way the ball bounces is probably the man who dropped it."
What have you been accepting as a "fact of life"? What have you been blaming on others rather than taking personal responsibility? What have you been looking outside of yourself for rather than looking inward to how you respond to situations? Maybe its time to identify those things that you have not taken responsibility for. Maybe its time to look at that marriage and ask yourself "what am I doing to create this reality?" Maybe its time to look at your waist and ask yourself "did I do this?" When you start laying claim to your life and your incredible power over it, you won't fall deep into guilt and resentment like you fear. To the contrary, there is nothing to worry about once you lay claim to what's within your power. As Wayner Dyer puts it" there's only two things in this world to worry about: things you can control and things you can't control. There's no point in worrying about things you can control because. . . well, you control them. There's also no point in worrying about what you can't control because . . .well, you can't control them." That leaves nothing to worry about. Your focus moves to exactly where it should. Those things you can actually change.
Make a list of those things you need to take responsibility for and start invoking your power by identifying what in each circumstance you can control. A good list to start is:
1) Relationships
2) Finances
3) Career
4) Living your principles
5) Engaging in activities you are passionate about
6) Health and fitness
List the things as they exist. Be brutally honest. Identify what you have done or failed to do that contributed to the current state of things in each category and then list the things you can control about each situation and exactly how you are going to make positive changes moving forward. If you do this for a few weeks, your entire life will begin to change. You will find yourself shifting your psychology. You won't speak about the faults of your wife that make your relationship intolerable but instead you will speak of what you are doing every day to fill that relationship with romance and passion.
Instead of looking in the mirror and feeling the shame of a badly out of shape body that you blame on genes, your busy life, or fast food chains, you will assess your current state of ill-health and identify what you have done to create this state and exactly what you are going to start doing to change the situation.
Congratulations, if this is a new awareness for you, you have just taken a quantum leap toward transforming your reality. Now make sure you apply this truth every single day. Create a 'responsibility log'. Practice saying " I am sorry" and "I made a mistake". Proclaim your power each morning by affirmatively stating "this day is what I will make of it" or read the following quote before you go out the door each day for a month:
"It is my daily mood that makes the weather. I possess tremendous power to make life miserable or joyous. I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration, I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal. In all situations, it is my response that decides whether a crisis is escalated or de-escalated, and a person is humanized or de-humanized. If we treat people as they are, we make them worse. If we treat people as they ought to be, we help them become what they are capable of becoming.”
— J. W. Goethe
GO LIVE ON PURPOSE!!
Saturday, June 5, 2010
JOHN WOODEN'S TOP TEN INSTRUCTIONS FOR MID-LIFER'S
Ask any client of mine and you will know that I love sports. And more than just about anything I love the coaches. I always dreamed of being a great football coach. The truly great coaches in sports generally have one over-riding principle that makes them successful in winning their respective championships. . . they coach their players to become better people more than they coach them to be better players.
Many of the things I tell my clients when coaching them toward a more compelling future, or trying to get them to change their perspective on mid-life in some way, has previously come from the mouth of a great athletic coach. Well, today, one of the greatest athletic coaches to ever live and one of my greatest idols has died.
John Wooden was 99 years old when he died. He created arguably the greatest sports dynasty in history at UCLA when he won 10 NCAA National Championship in Basketball (including 7 in a row!). He was beloved by his players, assistant coaches and just about anyone who he came in contact with. His family adored him. He reached the summit of his profession (10 times!). He has written several best selling books. He was married to a woman he adored for 53 years until she died in 1985. He would write her a love letter every single month, a practice he continued for 25 years after she died.
With much honor and humility I give you the ten things I learned from John Wooden that I want every one of my mid-life clients to know and apply in their lives starting today:
1) Be more concerned with your character than your reputation because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.
2) Don't give up on your dreams or your dreams will give up on you.
3) Learn as if you were to live forever, and live as if you were to die tomorrow.
4) Wooden's definition of poise: "Not being thrown off stride in how you behave or what you believe because of outside events."
5) Adversity is the state in which man most easily becomes acquainted with himself, being especially free of admirers then.
6) Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do.
7) Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.
8) If you're not making mistakes then your not doing anything. I am convinced doer's make mistakes.
9) Things turn out best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out.
10) The most important key to achieving great success is to decide upon your goal and launch, get started, take action, move.
Many of the things I tell my clients when coaching them toward a more compelling future, or trying to get them to change their perspective on mid-life in some way, has previously come from the mouth of a great athletic coach. Well, today, one of the greatest athletic coaches to ever live and one of my greatest idols has died.
John Wooden was 99 years old when he died. He created arguably the greatest sports dynasty in history at UCLA when he won 10 NCAA National Championship in Basketball (including 7 in a row!). He was beloved by his players, assistant coaches and just about anyone who he came in contact with. His family adored him. He reached the summit of his profession (10 times!). He has written several best selling books. He was married to a woman he adored for 53 years until she died in 1985. He would write her a love letter every single month, a practice he continued for 25 years after she died.
With much honor and humility I give you the ten things I learned from John Wooden that I want every one of my mid-life clients to know and apply in their lives starting today:
1) Be more concerned with your character than your reputation because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.
2) Don't give up on your dreams or your dreams will give up on you.
3) Learn as if you were to live forever, and live as if you were to die tomorrow.
4) Wooden's definition of poise: "Not being thrown off stride in how you behave or what you believe because of outside events."
5) Adversity is the state in which man most easily becomes acquainted with himself, being especially free of admirers then.
6) Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do.
7) Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.
8) If you're not making mistakes then your not doing anything. I am convinced doer's make mistakes.
9) Things turn out best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out.
10) The most important key to achieving great success is to decide upon your goal and launch, get started, take action, move.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
A RISING TIDE RAISES ALL SHIPS
I grew up on the Eastern Shore of Virginia. Its a small rural peninsula buttressed by the Atlantic Ocean and the Chesapeake Bay. As a teenager I used to enjoy going down to one of the many inlets and just listening to the water lap against the dock. Sometimes, the water was so shallow that I could easily see the ground beneath the water and the water stains on the posts of the dock were several feet above the water level. Other times, the water would come up to my knees when I'd hang my legs over the edge.
I never once saw a high tide that only raised a few of the boats tied to the dock. That's not the way tides work. When high tide comes in everything that floats is effected. Our life is pretty similar. Have you ever had the feeling that you have so many things to "fix" that the overwhelm literally paralyzes you into doing nothing? I get it. It happens to all of us. The next time you have so much on your plate that seems "wrong", I want you to remember this simple little phrase, "a rising tide raises all ships".
What this beautiful little truth means in the context of our lives is that when you fix any one problem in your life, you raise your "tide" and the rest of your "ships" rise as well. I'll give you an example:
Mary is a housewife. She graduated from college 24 years ago and has three children, 12, 15 and 17. She has been married for 21 years but lately her and her husband Bill limit their conversation to morning grunts, an occassional argument over money or the kids, and if things are going really well, they may say "goodnight" to each other after exchanging pleasantries about the obligations each of them have the next day.
Mary doesn't have any time for herself. She wakes up, gets in the shower, makes breakfast for the kids, straightens out the house, gets a cup of coffee, fights traffic to get to work on time, deals with impatient clients all day for a boss who sees her as nothing more than a necessary evil that drains his bottom line. She fights traffic home, makes dinner, cleans up, picks the kids up from their various activities, begrudgingly pays the bills online and collapses on the couch to watch a reality show and then repeats the sequence the next day. Its been this way for about 10 years now. Mary is among the walking dead. No passion. No joy. . . other than the occassional stop at the local fast food place or the ice cream that she eats right out of the container while she watches her show.
Mary's self esteem is incredibly low. She has no passion in her marriage. She feels fat and old. She has no energy. She feels unappreciated and unloved. Her life is passing her by and she feels trapped in a life that is nothing like she envisioned. She talks about making some changes but when she thinks about it, she doesn't even know where to begin and even if she did, she immediately gets overwhelmed by the thought of squeezing the acts of change into her already crammed day.
So what should Mary do? The answer is . . . anything. Because if Mary changes anything in this scenario, the principle of "a rising tide raises all ships" will begin to take effect. Here are some examples from Mary's life:
- Mary decided and committed to changing her diet and adding exercise into her life. She came up with a plan, picked a start date and recognized that she would have to carve out time to implement her plan so she wouldn't have any excuses. Mary felt that if she could lose some weight maybe she could feel better about herself. She was right. She removed the ice-cream reality show hour and replaced it with a walk that turned into a jog. She removed the fast food runs in favor of packing evenly spaced out healthy meals. She started taking a multi-vitamin every day and replaced soda with water. Here's what happened from mary choosing to address her health and fitness ONLY:
Mary lost 56 pounds in 12 months. She also saved approximately $1,200 a year "eating out" which she used to buy new "skinny clothes". Her energy level went through the roof and she automatically began sleeping better and waking earlier. Her self-esteem shot through the roof and she felt sexier. Her new self-esteem was interpreted as sexier by her husband. She was less tired and had less "headaches". Mary's sex life was rejevunated. As a result her husband started sending her flowers out of the blue and began going on the walks with her. She began to love how she felt so much that she began cooking healthier for the whole family and soon Bill was down 22 pounds himself. He also started feeling more attractive which only helped their passion. Soon they were riding bikes with their kids on weekends. Mary loved her new fitness lifestyle so much that she began blogging about it and even started a local morning "mom run" in her neighborhood. Two years later, Mary became a certified personal trainer and now owns her own business where she coaches other moms to get in great shape. She makes three times the money she did as a receptionist working from home and she loves every minute of it. Mary's entire life is different.
The moral of this story isn't that getting in shape is the cure-all for your "second half". The moral is that Mary didn't set out to change her finances, her marriage, her physical fitness, her self-esteem, her family, and her career all at one time. She simply made some simple changes in one area. The rest of the ships just rose with the tide.
I never once saw a high tide that only raised a few of the boats tied to the dock. That's not the way tides work. When high tide comes in everything that floats is effected. Our life is pretty similar. Have you ever had the feeling that you have so many things to "fix" that the overwhelm literally paralyzes you into doing nothing? I get it. It happens to all of us. The next time you have so much on your plate that seems "wrong", I want you to remember this simple little phrase, "a rising tide raises all ships".
What this beautiful little truth means in the context of our lives is that when you fix any one problem in your life, you raise your "tide" and the rest of your "ships" rise as well. I'll give you an example:
Mary is a housewife. She graduated from college 24 years ago and has three children, 12, 15 and 17. She has been married for 21 years but lately her and her husband Bill limit their conversation to morning grunts, an occassional argument over money or the kids, and if things are going really well, they may say "goodnight" to each other after exchanging pleasantries about the obligations each of them have the next day.
Mary doesn't have any time for herself. She wakes up, gets in the shower, makes breakfast for the kids, straightens out the house, gets a cup of coffee, fights traffic to get to work on time, deals with impatient clients all day for a boss who sees her as nothing more than a necessary evil that drains his bottom line. She fights traffic home, makes dinner, cleans up, picks the kids up from their various activities, begrudgingly pays the bills online and collapses on the couch to watch a reality show and then repeats the sequence the next day. Its been this way for about 10 years now. Mary is among the walking dead. No passion. No joy. . . other than the occassional stop at the local fast food place or the ice cream that she eats right out of the container while she watches her show.
Mary's self esteem is incredibly low. She has no passion in her marriage. She feels fat and old. She has no energy. She feels unappreciated and unloved. Her life is passing her by and she feels trapped in a life that is nothing like she envisioned. She talks about making some changes but when she thinks about it, she doesn't even know where to begin and even if she did, she immediately gets overwhelmed by the thought of squeezing the acts of change into her already crammed day.
So what should Mary do? The answer is . . . anything. Because if Mary changes anything in this scenario, the principle of "a rising tide raises all ships" will begin to take effect. Here are some examples from Mary's life:
- Mary decided and committed to changing her diet and adding exercise into her life. She came up with a plan, picked a start date and recognized that she would have to carve out time to implement her plan so she wouldn't have any excuses. Mary felt that if she could lose some weight maybe she could feel better about herself. She was right. She removed the ice-cream reality show hour and replaced it with a walk that turned into a jog. She removed the fast food runs in favor of packing evenly spaced out healthy meals. She started taking a multi-vitamin every day and replaced soda with water. Here's what happened from mary choosing to address her health and fitness ONLY:
Mary lost 56 pounds in 12 months. She also saved approximately $1,200 a year "eating out" which she used to buy new "skinny clothes". Her energy level went through the roof and she automatically began sleeping better and waking earlier. Her self-esteem shot through the roof and she felt sexier. Her new self-esteem was interpreted as sexier by her husband. She was less tired and had less "headaches". Mary's sex life was rejevunated. As a result her husband started sending her flowers out of the blue and began going on the walks with her. She began to love how she felt so much that she began cooking healthier for the whole family and soon Bill was down 22 pounds himself. He also started feeling more attractive which only helped their passion. Soon they were riding bikes with their kids on weekends. Mary loved her new fitness lifestyle so much that she began blogging about it and even started a local morning "mom run" in her neighborhood. Two years later, Mary became a certified personal trainer and now owns her own business where she coaches other moms to get in great shape. She makes three times the money she did as a receptionist working from home and she loves every minute of it. Mary's entire life is different.
The moral of this story isn't that getting in shape is the cure-all for your "second half". The moral is that Mary didn't set out to change her finances, her marriage, her physical fitness, her self-esteem, her family, and her career all at one time. She simply made some simple changes in one area. The rest of the ships just rose with the tide.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Am I the right coach for you?
- Are you shocked that you are at mid-life and wonder how you "missed" the first half of your life?
- Do you feel that everyday you are only living for others like your family, your boss or to "pay bills"?
- Is everything in your life something you "have to do" as opposed to what you "want to do"?
- Are you afraid that you will never realize the dreams of your youth?
- Do you feel like you don't have enough energy and wonder how much worse it is going to get?
- Do you feel like your marriage is stagnant and void of any passion and excitement?
- Are you jealous of people younger then you?
- Do you say "if I only knew what I know now back then" when you think of your youth?
- Do you wonder if you will ever be financially secure?
- Do you feel that it's just "too late" to make the life you dreamed of?
- Do you feel fat and unattractive?
- Do you spend alot of time thinking about the "mistakes" you've made and wish you had gone a different direction in your life?
- Do you feel trapped?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, I can help you. Imagine for a moment that you were able to go back to when you were 2-3 years old and plan out exactly what you wanted to do with your life. Would it have turned out different? Would you have been in a different career? Would you have been in better physical shape? Would you have more financial security? Would you have taken more risks? Would you have better relationships? Herein lies the greatest single advantage you have in the second half of life compared to the first half. You CAN plan out the second half of life. You CAN start making right decisions from the principals you learned the "hard way" during your youth. But it won't happen by itself. If you don't take action, get serious and honest about who you are and what you really want in life, the second half will go by even faster then the first did and you will be out of opportunities to make your life everything you wanted. That's where I come in.
I am completely committed to helping you craft the life you always dreamed of by building off of the life experiences you have already gone through. Nothing is a "mistake" as long as you learn from it. Those "mistakes" of your past will now provide you with the very principles that can make the second half of your life truly incredible, passionate and joyous. It is my honor to help encourage, educate and empower you to a completely new life. A designed life. A life you choose. This is a life of impact. This blog is dedicated to those who want to start living a life of "choice". Each week we will go through various elements of a passion-filled, authentic, fulfilling life. Its never too late to create the life you want.
It doesn't matter where you are right now my friend. You can be in financial ruins. You can have health challenges. You can have relationships that are in rubble. You can be exhausted. You can be afraid. You can have scars. You can feel like there is no way to turn it around. I will gladly meet you right where you are because I know you can start this program from anywhere. Its a simple matter of applying "life principles". As I go through teaching you about the principles of life you will likely begin to recognize the inherent truth in them. As you read about a principle, ask yourself "have I already learned this to be true in my life?" Often, if not always, the answer will be yes. Once you have really accepted the truth of a principle, it becomes much easier to apply it. This is what is meant by "the truth shall set you free". I will NEVER ask you to do anything that you can't easily see is truth.
To begin to make real changes that propel you to an exceptional "second half" you must leverage what you have learned in the first half of life. The hard lessons that often caused you pain and suffering are actually the keys to the fulfilling life of your dreams. Often we bury these past hurts. We don't want to experience the pain. Remember, that what we can't "be with" controls us. If you can't be with the feeling of delayed gratification, you probably don't have anything in a savings account. If you can't be with "failure" you probably haven't tried to do anything great. If you can't be with "success" (yes many many people are afraid of this even more than failure) you probably sabatoge yourself at every turn. If you can't be with some discomfort, you probably don't exercise enough. If you can't be with "guilt", you probably would rather fight than say you're sorry. The impact on your relationships will be quite evident if that is the case. I will teach you how to be with those things you have never been able to "be with".
I am so excited for everyone who chooses to join me on this adventure toward creating the best "second half" imaginable. I am so honored to be your coach.
Joe
- Do you feel that everyday you are only living for others like your family, your boss or to "pay bills"?
- Is everything in your life something you "have to do" as opposed to what you "want to do"?
- Are you afraid that you will never realize the dreams of your youth?
- Do you feel like you don't have enough energy and wonder how much worse it is going to get?
- Do you feel like your marriage is stagnant and void of any passion and excitement?
- Are you jealous of people younger then you?
- Do you say "if I only knew what I know now back then" when you think of your youth?
- Do you wonder if you will ever be financially secure?
- Do you feel that it's just "too late" to make the life you dreamed of?
- Do you feel fat and unattractive?
- Do you spend alot of time thinking about the "mistakes" you've made and wish you had gone a different direction in your life?
- Do you feel trapped?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, I can help you. Imagine for a moment that you were able to go back to when you were 2-3 years old and plan out exactly what you wanted to do with your life. Would it have turned out different? Would you have been in a different career? Would you have been in better physical shape? Would you have more financial security? Would you have taken more risks? Would you have better relationships? Herein lies the greatest single advantage you have in the second half of life compared to the first half. You CAN plan out the second half of life. You CAN start making right decisions from the principals you learned the "hard way" during your youth. But it won't happen by itself. If you don't take action, get serious and honest about who you are and what you really want in life, the second half will go by even faster then the first did and you will be out of opportunities to make your life everything you wanted. That's where I come in.
I am completely committed to helping you craft the life you always dreamed of by building off of the life experiences you have already gone through. Nothing is a "mistake" as long as you learn from it. Those "mistakes" of your past will now provide you with the very principles that can make the second half of your life truly incredible, passionate and joyous. It is my honor to help encourage, educate and empower you to a completely new life. A designed life. A life you choose. This is a life of impact. This blog is dedicated to those who want to start living a life of "choice". Each week we will go through various elements of a passion-filled, authentic, fulfilling life. Its never too late to create the life you want.
It doesn't matter where you are right now my friend. You can be in financial ruins. You can have health challenges. You can have relationships that are in rubble. You can be exhausted. You can be afraid. You can have scars. You can feel like there is no way to turn it around. I will gladly meet you right where you are because I know you can start this program from anywhere. Its a simple matter of applying "life principles". As I go through teaching you about the principles of life you will likely begin to recognize the inherent truth in them. As you read about a principle, ask yourself "have I already learned this to be true in my life?" Often, if not always, the answer will be yes. Once you have really accepted the truth of a principle, it becomes much easier to apply it. This is what is meant by "the truth shall set you free". I will NEVER ask you to do anything that you can't easily see is truth.
To begin to make real changes that propel you to an exceptional "second half" you must leverage what you have learned in the first half of life. The hard lessons that often caused you pain and suffering are actually the keys to the fulfilling life of your dreams. Often we bury these past hurts. We don't want to experience the pain. Remember, that what we can't "be with" controls us. If you can't be with the feeling of delayed gratification, you probably don't have anything in a savings account. If you can't be with "failure" you probably haven't tried to do anything great. If you can't be with "success" (yes many many people are afraid of this even more than failure) you probably sabatoge yourself at every turn. If you can't be with some discomfort, you probably don't exercise enough. If you can't be with "guilt", you probably would rather fight than say you're sorry. The impact on your relationships will be quite evident if that is the case. I will teach you how to be with those things you have never been able to "be with".
I am so excited for everyone who chooses to join me on this adventure toward creating the best "second half" imaginable. I am so honored to be your coach.
Joe
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)